


Dear diary

by LilyBlue5



Category: The 100
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Multi, dear diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-05-09 23:05:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14725334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyBlue5/pseuds/LilyBlue5
Summary: Clarke’s father moved her and her mom to a quiet home town after the death of a loved one. She meets her nice neighbors, the Blake’s. Clarke has no idea what she walks into when she welcomes them into her life.





	1. Entry #1

**Author's Note:**

> Ha I shouldn’t be making or posting any more stories but I have the first three chapters done so I thought why not. I really hope you like it! I promise, it gets better when we get to the teenage years.

_ August 15, 2008 _

_ Dear diary,  _

_ Me, mom, and dad finally moved into the house. It’s really quiet here, not like an uptown city would be. But, that’s alright. Dad thought maybe this change would be good, I just don’t really know yet. There’s three rooms on the second floor, one for mom and dad, one for the office and one for me. But, I asked if I could use the attic.  _

 

_ The house had come with a roomy and finished attic that they had no idea what to do with. So, I said I would take it. It would be like having my own floor of the house. I could be alone in my thoughts.  _

_ No one could hear me cry at night. _

 

_ I haven’t been out of the house in the few days we’ve been here to meet any of the neighbors. Dad says that the family across from us has a little girl about my age. He thinks it would be good for me to have a friend. She has an older brother as well, dad said.  _

 

_ I wonder what they’re like.  _

 

_ At least I don’t have to go to school for almost another two weeks. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know anyone… _

 

_ Mom said that she thinks I’m silly for not going to meet them. She doesn’t understand that I don’t wanna leave the house. She doesn’t understand that it’s too quiet here. I don’t wanna be in a small town where everyone knows each other. I want to be in the city, with loud cars and subways and people.  _

 

“Clarke, the neighbors are here!” My father yelled from down the stairs, interrupting my writing. I sighed as I sat my pen down and closed my journal shut. 

I grabbed a pair of white shorts and slipped them on and went down stairs. My dad was at the door, holding it open and talking to an older woman, who was standing behind her daughter. 

“Hey, kid. These are our neighbors, we invited them over for dinner,” dad said, motioning his hand for them to come in. 

The older woman walked in and her daughter walked behind her, hiding behind her. “Why don’t you guys go play in the playroom?” Dad suggested and I nodded, looking to her and smiling.

“The toys are up stairs,” I said, and she smiled back at me. I started up the stairs and she followed me.

We sat down at the doll house and got the dolls out. “So, how old are you?” She asked me, stumbling on her words a little from one of her missing front teeth. 

“I’m nine. What about you?”

“I’m seven, and I’m Octavia.”

I chuckled at her name. That’s the name of the elder sister of the first Roman Emperor, Augustus. I wonder why they chose that name.

“That’s a cool name, I’m Clarke,” I said, setting my dolls up to look like they were eating.

“My brother is Bellamy, he’s eleven, he’s gonna he in middle school soon,” she added, and I nodded.

“You have a brother?” I asked, shocked. I felt a little sad again. She nodded at me.

Bellamy, that’s an even better name than Octavia. I want to meet him. I wonder what he’s like. I wonder if he’s cute. 

***

_ August 16, 2008 _

_ Dear diary,  _

_ Dad planned a sleepover for me and Octavia. Is it weird that I feel weird hanging out with her? I don’t even know how I feel going to her house. I barely know her, or her brother. _

 

_ I wanna meet him. I think I will tonight. That’s exciting. From what dad says, he’s really nice. And really cute, apparently. _

 

_ Actually, I lied. I am excited to go hangout with Octavia. She’s nice and makes playing with dolls fun. For the past two months, it was boring to play by myself since I was used to playing with someone. But, with her it was fun again.  _

 

_ Mom says that I should be making friends, but she doesn’t understand how scared I am. I feel okay with Octavia. I’m just scared to with other kids. I know, it confuses me to.  _

I shut my journal closed as I set my pencil down on it. I tucked it under my mattress and grabbed my backpack, filled to the zipper with toys, junk food, crayons and paper, pillows and blankets. 

I walked down the stairs and my dad smiled at me as he walked me out the door. We walked across the street and to their house. 

Dad knocked on the door and someone walked to it immediately. They opened the door slowly, but it wasn’t Octavia or her mom, it was a boy. He looked like he was my age, a little older, maybe. 

My dad laughed a little and said, “can you get your mom, Bellamy?” My dad asked and he nodded, yelling for his mom. My dad looked to me and my eyes went wide. “Well, was I right?” He asked, his eyebrows raised.

I smiled at him and nodded. He chuckled, putting his hand on my back. 

Octavia’s mother, who I would later learn is named Aurora, invited me in, keeping the door open. I waved goodbye to my dad as he walked away and back home. 

Octavia lead me to her room and we started playing with the dolls. We played for a while and then we colored and drew. A little while later Bellamy barged I’m with three nerf guns in hand.

“Do you guys wanna play?” He asked, holding one up in the air and shaking his head full of curly hair.

Octavia looked at me with a wide smile. I nodded and we took the guns and started shooting at him. We ran out of the room and into the living room, where he had set up to forts with the couches. 

Me and Octavia squealed at the same time and we ran into one of them. We hid their until we heard loud footsteps outside of it. Octavia crawled out and then I did.

Bellamy started shooting at us as we crawled out and I shot back.

After we played two rounds we got tired and hungry. Bellamy convinced his mom to let us have ice cream for dinner. Me and Octavia went back up stairs and we started jumping on her bed. 

We went back downstairs to find the fort all gone and Bellamy sitting on the couch, eating a bowl of popcorn and watching a movie. We joined him on the couch and he turned on a Disney movie for us. Octavia fell asleep after the first song in Aladdin and me and Bellamy were still up.

We played uno after the movie and had some candy he found lying around. We set up a blanket on the ground and pillows so we could relax. We both feel asleep there, right next to each other.


	2. Double digits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, Finn likes you,” Raven said, looking to me after she finished her talk with Octavia. I blinked back, trying not to laugh out loud. 
> 
> “What?” I choked out, looking at her like she was crazy. Which, let's be real, she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the long wait…school has been kicking my ass. But, hopefully with summer break in a few days, I’ll be able to write more

_ August 18, 2008 _

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ Today, August 18, I, Clarke Griffin, am officially ten years old. That’s right. Double digits, baby. Dad said I’m not a teenager yet, just a pre teen.  _

_ Mom said now that I’m older, she wants to have “the talk”. I’m not stupid, I know what that means, she forgets about him all the time, and I don’t understand why.  _

_ Maybe it’s just easier that way. Not remembering what she lost, what we lost. It’s just not fair for me or dad. Lately, it feels like it’s just me and dad who talk and who hang out. I feel like mom doesn’t want to be around me anymore. _

_ Dad invited some of my friends from home for my birthday party. I’m really excited to see them, even though it’s only been a month. He said that Raven, Finn and jasper were coming. _

_ He also invited Octavia and Bellamy, which makes me even more excited. I can’t wait for Octavia to meet my friends, maybe they’ll be excited. _

_ Or maybe they’ll completely hate each other. Whatever, Bellamy will be there so it won’t matter. I like having him around. He’s fun to be with.  _

_ And he’s cute so. _

I decided to stop my journal there for today. I had to go help dad with the setup I’m the backyard. I walked down the stairs as quietly as I could and I reached the bottom step, I heard mom and dad yelling at each other.

This happens a lot. Or it has been happening a lot. I thought they wouldn’t do it today, I guess not. 

“Then leave!” I heard my dad shout at my mom. “You’re barely even here when you’re actually here!” He shouted once again. 

My mom scoffed at his words. “If you want me to leave so badly, maybe I will.”

My dad sighed, “At least let her have today. Don’t ruin her tenth ‘cause of your selfishness, Abby,” my dad sighed toughly. 

“Why should she get today? Jace didn’t,” my mother argued to my dad. 

I thought about what she meant. I started crying as I sat down on the last step of the stairs. My parents were quiet now and I was trying to be quiet to. 

I heard my dad sigh and then he whispered something to my mom that I couldn’t hear. I heard them walking towards the stairs, and they saw me sitting on the steps, the tears falling down my face.

My dad quickly came over to me and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

“Clarke, did you hear what me and your mom were talking about?” He asked me in a gentle voice. I shook my head yes and my dad sighed. “I’m sorry, kiddo.”

I nodded and smiled through my tears. “No party?” I asked, wiping away the tears that fell down my cheek. 

My mom sighed, walked over to me and bent down to look me in the eyes. “Of course we’re gonna have a party, babe. People fight sometimes, it’ll happen when you’re married, promise,” she paused, holding my hands tightly and smiling at me. “Wanna help me finish frosting the cake?”

I nodded and jumped into her arms and started walking. I looked at my dad as me and mom walked away. He smiled at me softly and I smiled back, but, I could still see the slight hint of pain that was stuck in his eyes.

***

Guests started arriving and me and Octavia were already playing with water guns in the backyard. Dad had asked Bellamy if he wanted to help him barbecue the chicken and hot dogs. He, of course, said yes and was currently doing that.

Dad, who had left Bellamy alone, was finishing setting up the tables and chairs. Mom was bringing out the cake and setting up the plates and silverware. They, even though they fight a lot, make a good team.

I stared at them for a minute, both of them smiling and laughing. My dad had probably told a stupid and cheesy joke that she’s heard a thousand times, but she laughed anyway. They look so happy…which makes me wonder, are they faking their happiness for me, or for everyone around them?

Octavia squirted me with the gun and I jumped back, out of my thoughts. She giggled and ran over to me, “Are you okay?” She asked, placing her small hand on my arm.

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

“You spaced out a little. What were you staring at?” She asked me and I shook my head, waving it off.

“Just daydreaming.”

And, well, I was. 

I was daydreaming of what life would be like if everything was perfect, if everything was back to the way it was before.

Mom and dad wouldn’t fight ever. Dad wouldn’t sleep on the couch as much. I would have equal time with both parents, not just dad, who seemed to be the only one who cared.

We would still be in the city.

Jace would still be here. I would still see him every day. I would still ride my bike with him. 

I wouldn’t feel sad all the time.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was. 

But, we can’t. Things are the way they are and that’s just the way it’s gonna stay. Maybe things will get better or maybe they won’t.

“Clarke!” I heard a boy yell and I looked to my right. I saw Finn running towards the gate, calling my name. I smiled at him as he opened the gate and ran towards me. 

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I hugged him tighter as I felt him smile against my neck. 

He pulled away from me and looked me and smiled even wider. “I missed you so much, C!” He said loudly. 

Before we left the city, me and Finn did everything together. We were both in the hospital at the same time when we were babies and our mom's became friends.

Me and Finn were both in the ICU when we were born and our parents met one day and they became friends. My mom and Finn's mom said that we are such good friends because we were in the hospital at the same time. We sometimes even slept in the same crib together. Finn left the hospital first after a month, my mom always says. I was still there about two months after my birth until I could go home.

Me and Finn lived right next to each other to so we grew up together. We had our first sleepover with each other. We ate breakfast together every morning. We would go to school and eat lunch together. 

I took him over to where Octavia was standing with the water guns. She handed him one and he took it without hesitation, a devilish smile forming on his lips as he took it. 

He pointed it towards me and started squirting me with the water. I jumped up from the coldness of the water and he snickered. 

We played like that for a while.

Eventually, Raven and Jasper got here and we started playing basketball. That’s what we did all the time when we were in the city. That’s all we could do without getting in trouble.

We kept playing until dinner was ready and once it was we all sat down and talked about what was currently going on. 

Ravens mom had gotten engaged, jaspers parents were expecting a baby and Finn said he had something important to tell me later.

We finished dinner and we all went up to my room to talk without having to have the adults listen in. Me, Raven, and Octavia were sitting on my bed. Raven and Octavia were both kinda shy towards each other but they seemed to like each other.

“So, Finn likes you,” Raven said, looking to me after she finished her talk with Octavia. I blinked back, trying not to laugh out loud. 

“What?” I choked out, looking at her like she was crazy. Which, let's be real, she is.

She nodded. “He told me after you said that you were moving. And he thinks you like him,” she said, looking to Finn, Jasper, and Bellamy who were sitting on the floor, playing with some old boy legos. 

I felt myself blushing a little. Not because I liked Finn, but because he liked me. Why would Raven lie, anyways? Well, I mean, maybe I like him. I don’t really know. He’s like my best friend. But, I’m pretty sure our mom's expect me and Finn to end up together.

Or, at least they did.

“Clarke!” Raven squealed, clutching my arm in her hand. “Do you like him back?” She asked, trying to keep her voice as quiet as possible. 

I shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s my best friend, ya know?” I asked, hoping they weren’t listening in. I decided to get up and walk over to them. I sat on the floor, in between Finn and Bellamy. 

“What’re we talking about?” I asked, looking to Bellamy as I picked up a handful of LEGO pieces. He chuckled a little, looking to Finn with a small smirk. 

“Oh you know, girls,” Jasper said, butting in. “What are you girls talking about?” He asked.

I smiled a little, “Oh you know, boys,” I said, looking to Finn with a small smile. 

I finished what I was making quickly, stood up and went back to sit on my bed with Raven and Octavia. 

They were both smiling at me, laughing a little. I playfully hit Ravens arm as I started chuckling to myself. 

As everyone was gathering their things to leave, I asked Finn what he has to tell me. He smiled at me and took my hand. He led me through the crowd of people and out the back door, into the backyard. He took me into the woods, where the pond was. 

My dad must of told him about this. It was lately becoming my favorite spot to come when I was upset or sad. Or if I just needed a change of scenery.

“My dad got a job offer here, he wants to take it,” he said, and my eyes went wide. I started at him for a minute, thinking maybe he was lying and tricking me.

“For real?” I asked him and he nodded. “So, you’re going to be living here?” I asked him. He smiled at me and his dimples were so cute when he did.

I hugged him quickly and tightly. 

He hugged back, even tighter.

We stayed out there for a while and talked about random nonsense. 

Eventually, everyone had to go home, but Octavia and Bellamy stayed late. We ate a whole tub of ice cream ourselves and fell asleep on the couch.

A perfect way to end a pretty darn good birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Comments are better than candy!!  
> -Lily


	3. Gone forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I could do was scream.
> 
> So I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a very dark turn. I didn’t intend for it to be this dark so just be warned. This chapter is very dark and if you feel it’s not for you, I suggest not reading it. 
> 
> If you want to, well then here ya go

_ August 20, 2008 _

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ Today, I woke up and something didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel sick, something was just wrong.  _

_ I decided not to get up, mainly because I was afraid of what I might find if I did. The last time I got this type of feeling was when they found Jace.  _

_ I woke up feeling all scared and worried that day. I had waved it off and walked down stairs to eat breakfast and eat ready for school. I found my parents sitting at the table together, eating their breakfast and reading the morning paper, like usual. _

_ I never even noticed something was off with him. Jace was always quiet in the morning. He wasn’t a morning person. So, I didn’t think it mattered when he wasn’t talking. I didn’t know what he was thinking though, and I wish I had. _

_ Five months ago: _

_ I stretched my arms as I yawned, sitting up in bed. I immediately got a strange feeling in my stomach. I had an immense feeling of worry and panic. I felt like I would start hyperventilating.  _

_ I calmed myself down and said it was nerves. I did have a really big test today, so maybe that was the problem. I decided not to think twice about it. _

_ I walked down stairs to see my brother sitting on the couch, eating his cereal and checking his phone. I smiled at him and he smiled back.  _

_ I walked into the kitchen to grab some cereal and I saw my parents, eating at the small table, talking and laughing. Just being happy. _

_ I went to school and the rest of the day, I had the terrible feeling. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want to. _

_ I took the bus home because both of my parents work late. Jace took the bus home to, but he was old enough to stay home alone, he was 15 after all. _

_ I got inside the house and I started my homework. I assumed Jace was upstairs playing video games or FaceTiming Kane, his best friend.  _

_ Once I finished, I was hungry. So, I decided to go find Jace and ask him if he could make something. I didn’t expect to find what I found.  _

_  I  _ _ knocked on his door lightly, no answer. I knocked on his door again, a little harder. But still, no answer. This time, I pounded on the door, and still no answer. I sighed, maybe I was wrong and he had gone to the park or something. _

_ I decided to take a shower, get it out of the way with. I walked into the bathroom, and looked to the claw foot tub. I stood there, staring at what I saw. I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks.  _

_ All I could do was scream. _

_ So I did. _

_ I screamed, placing my hand over my mouth. My knees gave up and I fell to the ground, still screaming. I choked through the tears, trying to say his name. _

_ I felt my breath catch in my throat, and I couldn’t move. I just sat there, screaming and sobbing. I couldn’t bare to look at him, I kept my eyes on the floor.  _

_ I stood up and walked out of the bathroom, walking down to the home phone, still sobbing. I dialed 911 and told them what was happening. _

_ I heard the ambulance sirens come as quick as I set the phone down. I sat down on the floor, keeping the phone in my hand. I started sobbing again, rolling myself into a little ball. _

_ I remembered what the lady on the phone had asked me. It was the first thing she asked, “How long do you think he’s been like this?”  _

_ He gets home thirty minutes before me. Maybe if I had just tried to find him as soon as I got home…it would’ve just been thirty minutes. But, instead, it was an hour. _

_ And hour that he had just laid there. Dying. _

_ They came in and heard me crying. One of them came over to me and started talking to me. I wasn’t listening. I felt myself start to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe. Before I knew it, everything went black. I heard people shouting things and that was it.  _

_ I woke up in a hospital bed, my dad sitting right next to me. My mother, of course, was nowhere to be found. My dad was holding my hand, like I was gonna slip away. My mom was sitting at home, trying to clean up any proof that she had ever had a son. _

_ She got rid of everything in his room, cleaned up the bathroom and washed the clothes I was wearing when I found him, since I somehow had blood on them. _

_ *End of flashback* _

 

I decided to end there, it was a lot to write for me. I felt like I was gonna cry. I decided to go downstairs and talk to my dad.

I found him sleeping on the couch still, like usual. I walked to the kitchen, and I found a note on the fridge. It was from my mom, I could tell by the handwriting.

 

_ “I’m gone. Don’t try to find me _

_ -Abby” _

 

I pulled it off the fridge and ran to my dad, waking him up. He asked me what was wrong and I showed him the note. He sighed, placing his head in his hands.

“Is she really gone? Forever?” I asked him. He looked to me, his eyes glazed over, and nodded. I felt myself start to cry. He looked to me, pulled me into a hug and whispered, 

“It’s gonna be okay. You have me, and I’m not going anywhere.”

We stayed there together, just cradled up together. I eventually got hungry and got up. “Can we just eat ice cream today?” I asked. He nodded and got up and walked me to the freezer. We grabbed the mint chocolate chip from the freezer and ate it together and watched a bunch of old movies.

I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I just wanted to stay curled up in a ball, tucked under a blanket forever.

Nothing would ever be okay again. My mom was gone. And she was never gonna come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did u think? I felt like not many people will like this but I like it. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are better than candy!  
> -Lily


	4. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They closed this off when we moved here for some crazy reason,” he said and I smiled at the stars in the sky. We stared at them for a while and I felt myself start to lean into Bellamy. “Ready to tell me about your nightmare?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update?? What?? Haha ugh I’m such a terrible person ik. So I rlly wanna move this story along so I wanna do almost like a year time jump but not completely bc I wanna write about Jaces death anniversary. Will someone pls help me in the comments? Or message me?

It was 9:30 at night and I was laying on the couch, watching finding Nemo when I heard a knock on the front door. I didn’t want to get up, so I contemplated yelling for my dad. 

I knew he was on the computer trying to talk to any of mom's relatives that would answer. He probably wouldn’t want to be bothered. 

I got up myself and walked towards the door. Through the glass, I saw Bellamy and Octavia waiting patiently on the porch. I smiled at them, and reached to open the door. 

They smiled at me as I walked out of the house onto the porch with them. They could tell I had been crying by what they said next. 

“Are you okay, Clarke?” Bellamy asked, looking at me deeply. He just made me blush even more when I was around him. I nodded at them and smiled widely. I looked at Octavia who didn’t believe me for a second. 

“I’m fine, I promise,” I lied. I walked towards the steps of the porch and they followed, sitting down with me. “What’s up?” I asked, looking to Bellamy.

He shrugged and looked at me with a little grin. “We wanted to see if you were still alive,” he chuckled and so did Octavia, after she hit his shoulder, of course. They were so brother and sister. 

“Yeah, still alive,” I said a little bluntly. I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees and putting my head on my hands. 

“Wanna come over?” Octavia asked, trying to cheer me up. I had to be honest, her smile was cheering me up a little. I let out a small smile and nodded.

“I'm gonna go let my dad know,” I said, getting up and walking back inside the house, leaving them on the porch. 

I walked up the stairs and opened the door to my dads room. He was typing away at the computer, but stopped and turned around to look at me. He smiled widely and his lit up 

“What’s up, kiddo?” He wondered, looking at me. I smiled and walked over to him, sitting on his lap. 

“Can I go to Bellamy’s?” I asked him, looking up at him. I even used my best puppy dog face. 

“Since when did it become Bellamy’s? I thought it was Octavia’s…” he said, catching me. I chuckled a little, thinking about what he said. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Same thing, dad.” I said, trying to play it off like nothing.

“Whatever you say, pumpkin,” he said, looking down at the floor. “And yes, you can go,” he said. “I don’t even know why you have to ask.”

“Cause I’m a good kid, Aduh.”

I hopped off of his lap and ran back down the steps and out to the porch. I smiled at them and we walked across the street to Octavia’s house.

We played outside in the backyard for a while, until Octavia and Bellamy’s mom told us to come in so we didn’t get bit up by mosquitoes. We all went in and Bellamy and Octavia both ran upstairs to do something. 

I sat at the dinner table with Aurora while they were upstairs and we started talking.

“Clarke, I was just wondering. What is it that your dad does?” She asked me, looking at her laptop and writing something on a piece of paper. 

“He’s a Doctor,” I replied, trying to think of the correct word for exactly what he does.

“And your mother?” She asked me. I didn’t really want to talk about  _ her _ and I think she realized my small sad look at the mention of Abby. 

“Clarke?” She asked me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I could see the look on her face. She understood. Or maybe she didn’t and I’m finally starting to go crazy. 

I wiped away a tear falling down my cheek. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until she brought me into her and hugged me tightly. “Clarke, where is your mom?” She asked me, mumbling into my neck.

I sighed and she pulled away looking at me softly. “She’s gone. She left me and my dad.”

Aurora picked me up and took me to the living room. She sat me down and said, “When I was your age my mom left to. And you know why you don’t ever see Bellamy and Octavia’s dad?” I shook my head as she continued, “He wasn’t a good person so I left him. I’ll probably never see him again and neither will Octavia and Bellamy.”

“Really? What made him such a bad person you had to leave him?” I wondered. 

“After Octavia was born he did some very bad things. Maybe when you’re older I can tell you,” she paused her sentence and looked at the doorway that led to the kitchen. I turned around to see Bellamy standing in the doorframe.

“Why are we talking about dad?” He asked as he walked over to the couch and sat next to me. “Did something happen to Clarke’s dad?” He sounded worried and shook my head no.

“Not my dad, my mom actually. She left,” I said and he gasped. “That’s why I haven’t really been out of the house,” I added.

“What if we have your dad over for dinner?” Aurora asked and Bellamy nodded. “It would be fun. Or we could go to the park together.”

“I’ll ask him tomorrow,” I lied, I knew he would say they don’t have to do that and that I should just go hang out with my friends.

“Oh guys, it’s 10:15. Time for bed,” she said and I sighed as I got up and walked towards the stairs. I started up the stairs, Bellamy right bedside me. 

“Why don’t we all sleep in my room tonight?” He offered generously. I nodded, avoiding what I wanted to say. I haven’t been able to sleep lately. And when I do, I wake up with really bad nightmares.

“I’ll get Octavia and you set up a fort,” I added, and he smiled widely, giggling a little too.

I ran into Octavia’s room and pulled her into Bellamy’s. She laughed at the fort and we all crawled in, pillows and blankets on the ground. 

Octavia fell asleep first, like she always did. Me and Bellamy stayed up talking for a while until he fell asleep. I was laying there for a long time until I felt myself start to fall asleep. 

I shot up from the floor, gasping and I felt sweat everywhere. I looked around and realized I was still at Bellamy’s. I got out of the fort and looked at the alarm clock that was sitting on Bellamy’s night stand. 

_ 3:43 _

I sat down on the bed, thinking of my nightmare. It was about the day I found Jace.

I saw the fort shift and I saw Bellamy walk out. He looked at me and was confused. He walked over to me, and sat down next to me. I looked at him and smiled a little. He wiped a tear from my cheek and wiped it on his pants.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I have nightmares all the time,” he said as he wiped away another tear. “Are you alright?” 

“I don’t really know. What are your nightmares about?” I asked him and he sighed a little. 

He hesitated to make sure that no one was around. Like his mom or Octavia. “My dad,” he said and I looked at him lost. I seemed like he didn’t know his dad. At all.

“I don’t understand,” I said, placing my hand on his leg and looking eagerly. “I thought you didn’t know him.”

“Wrong. I knew him. He was there for a lot of the beginning of my life. And then Octavia was born and he cheated on my mom and did things to her and me.”

“Oh.”

We sat in silence for a while until her took my hand, looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Follow me, please.” I nodded and he dragged me out of his room and to the bathroom. He opened the window and we stepped out into a small balcony. 

“They closed this off when we moved here for some crazy reason,” he said and I smiled at the stars in the sky. We stared at them for a while and I felt myself start to lean into Bellamy. “Ready to tell me about your nightmare?” 

I nodded and looked at him. “Do you know what suicide is?” I asked him and he nodded, starting to look a little worried. “Well, I had a brother, Jace. One day I got home from school and I found him. In the bathtub.”

“That’s what your nightmare is about?” He asked and I nodded. “Is that why your mom left?” He asked me and I looked at him surprised. I hadn’t told him that. I only told Aurora…oh wait. “My mom told me.”

“That makes sense. Jace was her favorite. She favored Jace over me. After I found him I went to the hospital and she wasn’t there, my dad was.”

He didn’t really know what to say so we stayed up there for a while. We watched the stars together. I felt myself lean into him again and felt happy. 

That was the first night that I felt a connection to Bellamy. That was the first time I opened up to him.

***

I woke up to Octavia tickling my stomach. I laughed so hard that woke up Bellamy, who was sleeping really close to me. I liked it. 

I hopped up and pulled Bellamy out of the fort with me. We walked down the stairs and ate breakfast together. We went outside and played with some nerf guns. 

I had to go after that and Bellamy walked me home. We sat on the porch and talked for a minute. 

“So, I have a question.” He said and I raised my eyebrows at him. “After Jace died, you guys moved out here?” He asked and I nodded. “So he just died recently?” He asked once more and I nodded. 

My dad came outside and looked at both of us. “Hey kid, what’s up?” He asked and shook me head, saying nothing. “Well I have lunch ready if you wanna go eat.”

I looked to Bellamy and he smiled, starting down the stairs, “I’ll see you later, Clarke.”

“See you later, Bell!” I waved to him as he walked away. He waved back with a huge, ginormous smile on his face. 

I looked back to my dad and he looked at me surprised. “What was that?” He asked and I raised my shoulders. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, dad,” I lied. I knew exactly what he was talking about. 

_ August 23, 2008 _

_ Someone has to help me! I don’t wanna be one of those girls that talk about boys in their diary, but I think I’m gonna have to.  _

_ I also don’t wanna be one of this girls who falls for her cute, older neighbor who she can never have. But I think I am.  _

_ Ugh. _

_ This is so not fair. At all. Why me?? What did I ever do to deserve this torture? _

_ Well I’ll tell you what happened between me and Bellamy. We watched the stars at three am and we talked about personal things. He told me about his dad and I told him about my mom. I felt close to him.  _

_ That was the first night I felt a connection with him. And I loved it.  _

_ Then when I woke up he was sleeping close to me. I don’t know if it was on purpose or not. But it made me happy. _

_ Ugh look at me. I’m currently hand palming myself. I hate myself so much. It doesn’t matter, this crush will probably go away.  _

_ I hope it does. For my sake.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought and if u had any ideas for what I meationed in the first box of notes. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are better than candy!
> 
> -Lily


	5. Schools in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, who actually wants to go to school, anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am i on an updating roll??? Ha probably not. Take what u can get cause it’s not gonna last long. I rlly want to do a time skip. I’ve decided a three year jump bc I want this story to get going. Or should I do like a chapter a age? Like one chapter is one year?

_ One month later  _

I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to stay in bed and keep doing summer things. I didn't want to go to school. Well, who actually wants to go to school, anyway? 

I looked at my dad who was sitting on the edge of my bed with a plate of pancakes for each of us. We did this every year before the first day of school. I was surprised we were still doing it his year, considering what’s happened in the past few months.

In the past month, lots of things have happened. My dad gave up looking for my mom. He realized that she didn’t want to be found and probably never would be. After an endless search for her relatives who might know where she is, not a single one had a clue. Or maybe they did and lied to him. 

She was probably going to start a new family. With people she actually loved. 

Finn and his parents moved into a house on the next block so I can see him everyday before school. We can’t do everything together like we used to, but I’m just glad I can see him. 

Octavia turned eight two weeks ago and me and dad picked her out a present. She had a small party, invited me and Finn and Raven. After we all had a sleepover together. Me and Bellamy snuck out of Octavia’s room super late and went to watch the stars again. It was especially beautiful that night, all the stars were sparkling and were so golden. 

He even brought snacks this time. That was the best part, honestly. 

That’s why I don’t want to go back to school. I can’t do all those things anymore. And it’s not fair. I can’t watch the stars with Bellamy. I can’t have sleepovers with Bellamy and Octavia and stay up too late. I can’t ride my bike to Finns every morning and have breakfast with him.

I didn’t even understand why I felt this way. I always loved school. I loved going and seeing all of my friends. I loved learning new things. I guess maybe I was scared of being at a new school. But I had Octavia and Bellamy. And Finn to, who was going to a new school as well.

My dad sighed and looked down at his watch. “It’s almost time to go, gotta hurry up. Get dressed quick and brush your teeth, please.”

I nodded swallowing a big gulp of orange juice. “Dad?” I asked and he looked back to me. “I love you.” 

He smiled widely and brought me into him and kissed the top of my head. “I love you to, kid.” He got up and left so I could get dressed. 

_ I will be okay. _

_ I will be okay. _

That’s what I kept telling myself as I got dressed.

I walked out of the house and into the car. Bellamy and Octavia came running towards the car. We decided we should carpool, save someone a trip to and from the school. Me and Octavia sat in the back and Bellamy was in the front.

When we got there they both got out quickly and I stayed in the car. Dad looked back at me and smiled sadly. “Sweetheart, you have to go,” he said, looking to Bellamy and Octavia. “You have them. Go.”

I sighed and got out of the car. I didn’t need either of them right now. I wanted to find Finn. He could help. He was my first ever friend and he could always help.

“Clarke! Come on we have to go,” Bellamy said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door to the school. As I let him pull me, I grabbed Octavia’s hand and we made it inside the door. 

“Octavia, you know where you’re going right?” Bellamy wondered to Octavia. She looked around quickly, letting go of my hand and nodded. “Okay, go there. I’m gonna help Clarke.”

He kept holding my hand and pulled me towards a room. “What teacher do you have again?” He asked and I pulled out the little sheet my dad printed off. 

“Mr. Pike,” I told him and he smiled. 

“Here we are. Mr. Pike,” he looked down at his watch and sighed. “I have to go or I’m gonna be late. Find Finn, you said you two have the same classes?” He asked and said at the same time. I nodded a little and he smiled and took off down the hall.

I walked into the classroom and saw a dozen kids my age with their mothers. I felt my heart fall to my stomach. They all looked so happy, lucky them. 

I looked at the board in front of the class and went to go put my backpack away in my assigned cubby. Then I found my assigned seat.

I saw Finn walk in and jumped up to go over to him. He hugged me the second he saw me and I smiled widely. I looked at him and I was just so incredibly happy to have my best friend with me. 

I haven’t told him about my mom leaving yet. And my dad hasn’t told his mom yet. They just assume she’s busy at work. She will go months without texting seven her best friend so they were used to this. They probably assumed this was another time like that. 

“Are you okay?” He asked and I nodded. “Good, because I’m not. I’m terrified. But I have you so I think I’ll be okay,” he reminded me, like he always did. Finn always said how lucky he was to have me. I always said how lucky I was to have him as a friend.

“I know. I’m a little scared. But I think we’ll be okay. We just have to try to meet people,” I added and he agreed. “Let’s try to calm down a little. I think we’ll be okay.”

“You're absolutely right, 100%. Like always,” he said, his eyes bearing into mine. “Where’s your mom?” He asked me and I froze. 

I hadn’t expected him to ask about my mom. But he was probably curious. When me and dad went to help Finn's parents move in, my mom wasn’t there. Which was probably really fishy. 

“She’s at work. Trying to get in a few extra hours, ya know?” He nodded at me. “Can I go home with you after school?” I asked him and he nodded. 

“Do you even really have to ask?” He asked me, looking serious. I shrugged my shoulders. “So, how have  _ Bellamy  _ and Octavia been?” 

The way he said Bellamy gave me chills. It was sorta dark, almost like he was jealous. But, I knew Finn, he never gets jealous, of anything. 

Or maybe he did and he just hid it. In the past few months, I’ve learned that I don’t really know anyone the way I thought I did.

“Octavia’s good. She turned eight a few weeks ago. Bellamy is…something,” I said. I could feel my pulse racing at the mention of him. I probably looked like a star struck idiot.

Finn chuckled dryly. “What’s with that  _ “something” _ ?”

“Okay, look, I never tell you about boys, like ever. But I have to tell you about him. In the month I’ve know him, so many things have happened,” and I told him everything. About the star watching. About opening up to him. About the sleeping close to each other. 

“I honestly think I’m falling for him. Or I fell for him already. I don’t know. But I know that he’s not gonna go for me,” I added, because it was the truth. 

“Well whoever doesn’t go for Clarke Griffin is crazy. And very stupid,” he added for emphasis. The bell rang and we walked towards our seats. Thank god me and Finn had seats right next to each other. Probably because we were new.

“Good morning class. Welcome to the first day of fifth grade! How was everyone’s summer?” He asked and everyone’s hands went up. Me and Finn looked at each other. Our teachers never asked about summer vacation. 

“Hmmm,” he started, grabbing a clipboard with several papers clipped to it. He looked at a kid sitting behind me and looked back at the paper. “Wells,” He said, pointing to the boy behind me. 

He started talking about all the things he did over the summer. He and his dad, the principal, which he decided to mention ten times over, went to Texas for two months.

The other kids went around talking about what they did over the summer. Me and Finn opted to not say anything of our summer. 

The day went by rather quickly and the last bell for the day rang. Me and Finn were walking out of the school together, very close to each other. I saw Bellamy and Octavia waiting by a tree for us. 

Me and Finn walked towards them and I tried to sightly separate myself from Finn but he kept moving towards me as I walked away. Octavia noticed what was going on and inserted herself between me and Finn. 

“Finn's parents are taking me to their house. I already texted my dad and he said it was fine.” I told them and they nodded. It was Friday anyways so I could sleep over. 

“Mom texted me an hour ago and told us to meet her at the pool,” Bellamy told Octavia and I raised my eyebrows. “We’re gonna get going.”

“Okay, bye guys!” I yelled kinda loudly. Finn grabbed my hand and pulled me along, towards the parking lot.

“See ya!” Octavia shouted and I turned around to find Bellamy waving. I waved back to him, watching his eyes. I saw a small sparkle in them and I smiled widely.

Me and Finn started towards his mom's car and made way to his house. 

_ September 21, 2008 _

_ It Saturday today, a day after my first day at school. I have a lot to say about it. _

__ 1) this school is way different than my old one. People are nicer and the teachers are weirder. But weirder in a good way. If that’s even a thing _ _

_ 2) And that’s all I can think of _

 

_ I only talked to one new person. Mainly cause I was terrified. His name is wells. He’s in my class and the teacher paired me up with him for a back to summer game.  _

_ He seems kinda entitled. Like he’s supppppper important because his dad is the principal of the school, which he mentioned like 100 times. _

_ But he’s nice and seems fun. He’s also very nerdy. I think he might be a new friend, but I don’t know yet...or why.  _

_ The rest of the day was sitting in a boring class going over rules and stuff like that. We were told we will only get homework twice a week so that good. But we have a few projects that will be in place of homework. And we will have a lot of tests, but gI’m good at tests. _

_ My dad says I do good on tests because of him. Apparently he’s a good test taker to. I’ll believe it when I see it. _

I closed my diary and set it aside. I looked at Bellamy, who was staring back at me. “All done?” He asked me with a huge smirk and I nodded, smiling. 

I looked back to the stars and sat down on the bean bag that he brought out. 

“How was the first day?” He asked me and I made a straight face. I couldn’t really decide if it was good or bad. 

“It was fine. Me and Finn basically spent the entire day talking. Except for when I had to do a summer project with Wells Jaha,” I told him, and he scoffed at the name. “Yeah, I can’t stand him either.”

We spent the entire night talking about nonsense stuff. Tomorrow is Sunday anyways so we stayed up all night talking, after Octavia fell asleep of course. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Srsly pls let me know what U think of my idea in the top notes! And let me know what u thought of this chapter.
> 
> Kudos and comments are better than candy!
> 
> -Lily


	6. Dodgeball, anyone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I closed my locker and he started walking with me. “I hadn’t thought about it. Its just a stupid dodgeball thing, Bell,” I said to him, trying not to sound stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have the outline for this story done! It’s about time honestly. But, good news ik there’s going to be around 15 chapters and then I was thinking of doing a sequel maybe but probably not.

I heard the bell ring as I was about to fall asleep in class. 

_ Thank god,  _ I thought to myself. I can’t stand this class. Blah, blah, blah is all I hear when Mr. Miler talks. 

I walked out of class to see Bellamy leaning up against a wall, waiting for me. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. 

He has study hall this hour so he always gets out early and comes to my locker. It’s a nice gesture. 

I walked over to him, holding my books in my hands. “What is a seventh grader doing over by the sixth grade hallway?” I asked him, handing him his phone and he took it.

I didn’t even feel bad for taking it. 

“Well 1, this,” He said, holding his phone in his hand. He chuckled and I did to. “And 2, I wanted to see you, Aduh,” he told me, in a tone that was super obvious.

“Well, how sweet,” I said, laughing as I turned to walk to my locker. Bellamy followed me, leaning up against the other lockers. He laughed at my first attempt to opening my locker, and then the second. 

After the third he just pitied me and opened it for me. “So, are you going to the fundraiser tonight?” He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders and I grabbed my books out of my locker. 

I closed my locker and he started walking with me. “I hadn’t thought about it. It’s  just a stupid dodgeball thing, Bell,” I said to him, trying not to sound stupid.

“Nah. You should go. It’s gonna be fun. We get cupcakes and cookies,” he added, to make it sound fun.

I cleared my throat, “So, basically you’re only going for free food?” I asked him and he nodded, laughing. “Wow, Bellamy Blake, I never knew you’d stoop so low.”

“Who doesn’t want free food?” He asked me like it was the most obvious answer ever. “Just go. Maybe I’ll let you win,” he said, his eyes softening with his smirk.

I laughed, pushing his shoulder with mine. “Please, you know I’m going to kick your ass.”

We stopped at a door, and he smiled. “It’s almost time to go. I gotta hurry,” he said, turning around to start walking away. He turned back around, waving back at me, smiling widely. I waved back and walked into class. 

I saw Finn sitting at a desk and he smiled at me when he saw me. I walked over to him and sat down next to him. Me and Finn only have one class together, it was a pretty big disappointment when we only had one together. 

I mean, we were voted the most inseparable duo in the yearbook. 

“Hey, are you going to the fundraiser tonight?” He asked me and I shrugged my shoulder again. “You have to, it's the last event of the year. Since we are leaving for summer break next week.”

“Yeah, I know it’s the last event of the year. I just think dodgeball is boring,” I told him. 

“Yeah, okay. whatever. So how’ve you been?” He asked me.

Ever since I told Finn that my mom left, he hasn’t left my sight. He’s constantly asking me if I’m okay, if I need anything, if I need a hug. 

It’s not like she just left anyways. She’s been gone for a while and I sorta just let it go. I only told him because him and his parents were asking too many questions. My dad thought it’d be best. They would’ve found out eventually.

And, I love him for that, it’s just a lot. It’s not like I can tell him that. He wants to be there for me and help me as much as he can. 

***

I walked out of class and towards my locker to pack up my stuff. I met Bell at the doors and we walked to the elementary to get Octavia. 

I decided to stay and do the fundraiser with them, I texted my dad and told him and he said he’d get me and we’d go out for dinner when I was done. Maybe it’d be fun. But probably not. 

I changed into my gym clothes and walked into the gym with them. 

I saw everybody there and I was already done. I saw Finn, he was talking to some girl on the bleachers. I felt weird about it.

I couldn’t explain what I felt but I definitely felt weird. I didn’t like that he was talking to some other girl, looking how he does when he talks to me.

I looked to Bellamy and he smiled at me. “Come on, princess,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the people who were lining up.

We lined up next to each other and started running once the whistle was blown.

Me and Bellamy had played 13 games once they announced they had reached their goal amount of money. 

I met Octavia and we walked towards the tables, with a few cookies and some juice. 

We sat down and ate and Wells came up next to me and sat down with me. “Tired?” He asked me and Octavia and I scoffed, nodding my head. Otavia shook her head no, mainly because she only played two games and they had announced their goal.

Me, Wells, and Octavia talked for a while until Octavia and Bellamy left. I was still waiting for my dad to come and pick me up. It wasn't a big deal, he always had a lot of patients at night.

So, me and Wells were the last ones at the school, besides his dad and a few janitors.

Me and Wells were sitting in the library, reading when Wells looked over to me and said, “So, we have to talk about something.”

I looked at him with my eyebrows raised. This couldn’t be good.

“It’s about Finn,” he said, closing his book and placing it to the side. Whenever he did that I knew it was serious. “Do you like him? And, I mean like like.”

I stared at him, my mouth open. “Um…that’s-why are you asking?” I asked him. Over the years, me and Wells have become the best of friends. We were inseparable. But, so were Finn and Wells. They might’ve even been better friends than me and Wells.

“He kind of wants to know,” Wells said, picking his book back up and reading again. “Well, he wants to know because he likes you. And, I mean like like.”

I coughed on my own spit. He was kidding, right? He had to be kidding. Finn doesn’t like me like that. I’m his best friend, in the entire world. It would be weird if he liked me like that. It is weird.

“Hello? Clarke, ya still there?” Wells asked, waving his hand directly in my face. I blinked back and swallowed.

“I-Wells, ugh!” I yelled, and it didn’t matter because we were the only ones in here. “Finn is my best friend, he doesn’t - he wouldn’t - no.”

_ That's ridiculous,  _ I thought to myself.  _ Wells is being ridiculous.  _

“Clarke, yes. I know him better than probably anyone else besides you, and trust me, he likes you.”

“Well, I — I don’t like him like that,” I whispered to Wells, who looked very unconvinced as he looked up at me from his book.

“Clarke, I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know that maybe you can’t tell, but everyone else can,” he said to me, stopping but then continuing. “But,” he said, adding emphasis, “I’ve also seen the way you look at Bellamy.”

Oh my god.

Is it possible I have feelings for him? 

I have feelings for Finn. And not friend feelings 

Or do I? Isn’t that crazy though? He’s my best friend! And that never works out. If we didn’t work I’d lose my best friend. 

Maybe if I just don’t act on these feelings, right? 

Besides, there’s Bellamy. Even though I have feelings for Finn, I like Bellamy. See the difference? 

But, Bellamy isn’t interested. I’m sure of that. But Finn is. 

“Clarke, what’re you thinking?” Wells asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You’ve been quiet for a while.”

“I like him, kinda,” I said to Wells. “I think I might like Finn. But there’s still Bell.”

“Ahh, don't act on anything. On your feelings for Bell or Finn. Just wait them out. Doesn’t matter how long, but you have to be sure of who you want, and right now, you are not.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t do anything. I should wait for them to do something,” I said and Wells nodded. “But, how am I supposed to know who I want?” I asked him and he looked at me.

“It will come to you. It will probably take a while, maybe even years, but at least then you’d know 100%.”

My dad walked through the door of the library and I sighed. “Gotta go,” I said to him, grabbing my bag and my book. “And, Wells, if you tell Finn I swear to god…” I trailed off, walking away and towards my dad.

“No promises, princess!” He yelled back to me and I rolled my eyes. I only liked that nickname when Bellamy used it. And he didn’t like it when anyone else used it. 

Me and dad went out to dinner and we talked about what we always talked about. His work, school, but this time I had a new question to ask.

“Dad, what do you think about Finn?” 

He made a straight face, like he was confused. “What do you mean?” He asked me and sighed.

“Okay, what about this,” I said, thinking for a moment. “When am I allowed to have a boyfriend?” I asked him and he almost spit out his drink through his nose.

“Well, um, I don’t know. When do you think is the right age?” He asked me and I thought for a second.

“13,” I said to him and he nodded. “I think that’d be an okay age. Maybe even 14 if you can hold off,” he said to me and I agreed. “What brought this question? Did someone ask you out?”

“No, not yet. It's just — it’s sort of a long story, actually. Apparently, Finn likes me, and I think I kinda like him back a little. But I like Bellamy a lot.”

“Well, I think you should wait for one of them to make a move. I think Bellamy might like you a little from the way he acts with you, it’s how I acted with your mother when we were kids. Finn, he definitely likes you. I’ve known since forever, he not very good at hiding it.”

“Then how come I’ve never noticed?” I asked him and he chuckled.

“You’re not supposed to notice, that's what it’s like liking your best friend,” he said like it was so obvious. “It’s okay you didn’t know, now you do. And you might have to wait till you know who you want.”

“That’s what Wells says,” I told him and he nodded.

“Wells is a very intelligent person,” he said to me and I nodded. “Just wait, there’s no rush, kiddo.”

_ June 7, 2009 _

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ I didn’t even want to go to the dodgeball thingy. But Bellamy convinced me. And then me and Wells were together and he told me that Finn likes me. _

_ And you know what I noticed? I like Finn to. Which isn’t fair, cause I was fine with just liking Bellamy.  _

_ I can’t possibly decide who I like more. I mean the obvious choice is Bellamy. Finns my best friend, I want him to stay that way. _

_ Ugh. _

_ Growing up sucks, I just wish my mom was here so I could ask her these things.  _

_ So, okay, I don’t know what to do about these two boys. They’re both amazing in every way, but I just don’t know anymore.  _

> _ Maybe things will come together at some point and I’ll understand what I want.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did u think? 
> 
> Kudos and comments are better than candy!
> 
> —Lily


	7. Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke smut? I think yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hasn’t even been that long since I’ve posted! Yes. Honestly this was a healthy amount of time to wait. I rlly want to get this story out fast bc soon I’ll be starting swim and it’s gonna take up most of my time and I won’t have time to write and that’s just depressing

June 20, 2009

Dear diary,

_Good morning! It definitely was a good one. Finally the last day of school until next year. I was so happy to finally leave sixth grade._

_It was amazing to walk into those doors and know that I only have one year left till I go to high school._

Me, Bellamy, Octavia, and Finn walked out of the school doors together. It was amazing and it felt amazing. It was finally summer. I’ve waited all year for this. Since the first day of school.

Next year, I’ll be in seventh grade, so I’m going to make the most of this summer. Because, next year, I’ll have mandatory gym and art. And more homework, and midterms and final exams.

And I was not ready for any of that.

As much as I’m looking forward to seventh grade, I’m not looking forward to it at all.

Lately I’ve been scared to talk to Finn. I’ve avoided him for the last week and I feel like a terrible person. I am a terrible person. I just feel like I’m going to slip up or something. He’s just scary when it comes to this stuff.

I don’t even know why I’m scared, honestly. It’s not like he’s scary, or like he’s going to do something to me. I’m just scared of what I feel with him.

I seriously don’t understand at all.

Whatever, honestly. I looked at Octavia and she smiled at me, looking to my dad. I ran over to him and hugged him tightly.

We all, including Finn, got into the car and started talking of all of our summer plans. Dad took us all to the public pool, where there was a small after school party.

Wells hosted it obviously. Well, his dad did. He just acted like the host. I spent most of my time with Octavia and Wells, trying to stay away from two certain boys.

They had both found their own friends to hang out with and it was all fun until we had to go home. Dad took Finn home while me, Bellamy and Octavia were still waiting to go home.

“Clarke,” Octavia whispered, looking behind her to make sure Bellamy wasn’t listening. “Wanna tell me what’s going on with you and Finn?”

I froze for a second. Then I tried to play it off, but I’m pretty sure she saw right through me. “I—Octavia, what do you mean, exactly?” I asked her and she made a heart with her hands and placed it over her heart.

She was obviously trying to be discreet in front of Bellamy, but I didn’t understand why. If anything, he should know, he might be able to help me. Even if I liked him.

“Octavia!” I yelled and she jumped back. Bellamy looked over to us, chuckling. I could feel my cheeks going red, just looking at him. Goddamn.

“Clarke? You’re all red. Mind telling me what’s going on?” Octavia said, looking at me deeply in the eyes. She knows that always gets me, I can’t help but tell the truth when people do that to me.

Why not just rip the bandage off? She’s my best friend and deserves to know everything. “Alright. So, Finn likes me. And I like Finn. But I also like someone else, and I like this person more, but I don’t have a chance with them.”

“You like Finn?” Bellamy yelled in the loudest voice ever. I thought he wasn’t listening, ugh. “Clarke?” He asked me and I nodded. “Then, who’s the other person?” He asked me and I shook me head.

“Heck no. Not happening. I’m not telling.”

I’m standing my guard on telling them about Bellamy.

“Huh, is it Wells?” Octavia chimed in and I laughed. “Well?”

“No, Wells is my bestie. I can’t ever see myself with him,” I said to them both, who seemed very interested in something that didn’t concern them.

“So, it’s someone you see yourself with? Hmmm, who have you talked about before?” Bellamy said, thinking to himself. “Is it weird that we actually don’t know anyone you’ve ever liked?” He asked me and I realized I had never actually told them about anyone I’ve ever liked. Like ever.

“Yeah. Cause things like this would happen,” I told them.

“It is weird, especially since I’m her bff and I’m supposed to know these things,” Octavia said as she pushed my leg playfully.

I shrugged my shoulders and laid back down in the chair. “Naw, we’re not done,” Bellamy said, pulling me back up in a sitting position.

“Why do you even care?” I asked him and smirked. “Like, what’s your ulterior motive?”

“Don’t have one, princess,” he said, taking a seat next to me. I felt Octavia watching us closely and I felt weird. I felt like she could tell, just from my face. I swear to god if she figures it out.

We stayed talking longer until Bellamy left to go to the bathroom and Octavia looked at me shocked.

“O? Ya still there?” I asked her, waving a hand in front of her. She grabbed my hand mid air and looked at me, smiling widely. But, in her eyes, she looked a little sad.

“It’s Bellamy.”

She was kidding…Just trying to catch me off guard. “Yeah, that’s Bellamy.”

“No,” she shook her head, letting go of my hand. “The other guy is Bellamy! You like my brother!” she yelled, jumping up to her feet and smiling widely.

I shook my head defensively, standing up and putting my finger to her lips. “Shut up! You’re so loud, geez.”

“Oh my god, it is Bellamy!” Octavia yelled again and started jumping up and down.

“Octavia, stop, it doesn’t matter,” I said to her, putting my hands on her shoulder to get her to stop jumping. “He’s…Bellamy. I can’t have him, and I think I’m okay with that. I just have to work on getting over him.”

“But, Clarke…” she said and I raised my hand in the air, interrupting her.

“Me and Bellamy work as friends, and I wanna stay that way. Finn may be my best friend but I couldn't live without Bellamy,” I told her, trying to talk as soft as I could. “I couldn’t live with myself if me and Bellamy weren’t friends.”

“What’re you girls talking about?” A voice from behind us asked and we turned around to see my dad. “Boys?” He asked me and I laughed at him.

“Never,” I said jokingly and he laughed back at me.

“You mean always,” Octavia added, and I rolled my eyes.

Me and Octavia walked to the car with my dad and Bellamy and made our way home. We said goodbye to Bellamy and Octavia and walked up the steps.

“That’s weird,” my dad said, turning the doorknob. “The doors unlocked already. Could’ve sworn I locked it.”

“You always lock it dad. Like, you never forget. When I broke my arm you made us wait so you could go lock the door,” I added.

“Yeah, I know. Maybe you should wait here,” my dad said and I nodded.

“K, just be careful, please.”

My dad walked into the house and I waited for him to call me. It was about ten seconds after and I heard him call my name. I walked into the living room to see my dad standing up, a shadowy figure sitting on the couch.

“Clarke,” my dad said, reaching his hand behind him. I walked over to him and grabbed his hand. I saw who was sitting on the couch and I gasped.

“You,” my dad said. “Why are you here?” My dad shouted and I felt him grip my hand tighter, like he was going to lose me.

“Well, to see my family, of course,” she said. “Clarke,” she said, looking to me.

“Mother,” I said, walking in front of my dad and letting go of his hand. I crossing my arms in front of me in defense.

My dad walked to turn the light and I saw that Abby had a small purse sitting on the floor. I sorta wondered what was in there. I wondered a lot of thing.

Where has she been for the past few years?

_What has she been doing?_

_Who has she been meeting and talking to?_

_Does she have another family?_

_Did she meet someone else?_

_Why come back, why now?_

“Abby, please leave. Before I call the cops,” Dad threatened. “You don’t live here, remember? You left, you don’t belong here.”

All I felt right now was rage. All I wanted to do was scream at her. All the rage I had built up over the years for her leaving was threatening to come roaring out.

“Clarke, go over to Aurora’s please,” my dad commanded and I nodded. I walked out of the house and pulled out my phone.

•Jakes POV•

“Abby, what the hell are you doing here?” I asked and she tisked at me. “You can’t just come back and act like you never left!”

“I’ve come back for my daughter. And you can’t stop me from taking her!” Abby yelled at me and I shook my head in defense.

“She’s not your daughter! For last few years, I have been here when you haven’t! I’ve helped her with math homework, and school, and tried to teach her about makeup, and girl stuff, and boys. Where have you been?”

“I’m better, okay! I got better for Clarke…and for you,” she told me, placing a hand on my arm.

I pulled my arm back, making her trip over herself a little. “You should’ve gotten better with us. You should’ve stayed and gotten better with me and Clarke,” I said and someone busted through the door.

“Abby Griffin, hands in the air. You're under arrest!” They yelled and Abby looked to me, confused. They ran over to her, put her in handcuffs and walked out of the door.

Clarke came running in. “I heard everything she said, dad.” I sighed and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her.

“It’s okay, kiddo. I’m gonna fight for you no matter what, I promise.”

***

October 15, 2009

Dear diary,

_Within 48 hours, they let Abby out of jail and she took us to court. She wanted full custody of me, and it’s been five months since then, and no one had said anything. There was no call back. Nothing._

_So, me and dad went on living our life. I had one of the best summers ever. Dad got a huge promotion at work and he was thinking of moving us down the street. He said that the house was nice and bigger for us._

_Plus, he met someone._

_Dad hasn’t told me much about her. I haven’t even met her yet. It’s only been about two months, so it would be really early to meet her. I just know her name._

_Jane._

_Sounds like a normal name, right? Like a completely normal person who isn’t like my mother. She even has a daughter my age and a son Octavia’s age._

_He seemed happy. Which made me happy. So far, everything was good._

_I was two months into seventh grade and it was cool. I had all this freedom I have never had._

_Everything was great. Until I got home to find my dad on the phone. He looked mad, it was a scary mad. I had never seen him like that. Ever._

“Dad?” I asked him and he turned around. He placed a finger to his lips and shushed.

“Right, thanks,” it was his stern voice he used to say that. I hated that voice. He hardly ever used it and that’s why I couldn’t stand it. You knew it was serious whenever he used that voice.

He hung up the phone by slamming it down and looked at me. I raised my eyebrows and he sighed, walking to sit down on the couch. “We’re being called back,” he told me and I gasped. I felt like I choked on my own air.

“Called back? You mean-” I knew what he nodded but i had to hear it.

“To court. Abby apparently didn’t have many resources last time. Guess she spent the last five months trying to get more people on her side. She’s coming back to try to take you.”

I sat down next to him, putting my face in my hands.

“But I won’t let her, alright,” he said looking at me. Dad placed his arm around me. “She’s gonna have to go through me. And Jane. She’s a lawyer, ya know?” He said and I shook my head.

“You’ve never told me that,” I said and he shook his head.

“Maybe we can get her help,” he added and I nodded, smiling widely.

“Does that mean I can meet her?” I asked, feeling very excited.

He chuckled and looked at me. “Maybe.”

***

December 31, 2009

Dear diary

_Well, first of all happy New Years! Just thought I should add that in here. Now to the important stuff._

_I hadn’t told anyone of what was going on with my mom. I hadn’t told Bellamy or Octavia or Finn about having to go to court every other week for stupid things._

_We hadn’t even had the official hearing. They just wanted information about us._

_The worst part? No one had asked me what u wanted to do. It was my life. I would have to live with one of my parents._

_The justice system at work._

I started having nightmares about all of it. Having to go live with my mom and leave my dad. It kept me up most nights.

For New Years, me and dad went over to Bellamy and Octavia’s to celebrate the ball drop. I stayed the night at their house and my dad went out to go see Jane after we celebrated.

I woke up in a panic during the middle of the night and, to no surprise, I woke Bellamy up. He was sleeping right next to me and he looked at me, confused.

He grabbed my hand and took me to the small balcony. We watched the stars for a while. Until he broke the silence we sat in.

“I thought the nightmares stopped.”

I sighed. “They did, but these aren’t the same ones. They’re, um, about my mom,” I told him and he looked at me like I was crazy.

“Why are they about your mom?”

At that very moment, I felt so bad. I’ve lied to the for months.

So, I manned up and explained everything to Bellamy. He was silent for a long time. We just sat there for a long time. I was watching that stars, and he was watching me.

Then, I felt his hand touch mine. I looked to Bellamy and smirked. “Clarke, I’m always here. Please remember that next time.”

“I know, it was just so hard. I thought I had escaped her, escaped that part of my life. Guess not. She just waltzed back in and she’s going to take me from my dad. And you.”

Bellamy shook his head. “None of us will ever let that happen. I promise.”

I felt a tear fall down my cheek and Bellamy placed his hand on my cheek and wiped it away with his thumb.

I started at him for a minute and then I realized he was slowly drifting towards me. Like he was leaning into me. Or his head was. I gulped hard.

Was this it???

Am I about to kiss Bellamy.

I’ve seen plenty of movies. I know what happens before a kiss. He’s leaning in.

I made a last minute decision and leaned in. We were so close, I could feel his breath on my lips. I looked into his eyes as he looked into mine.

Bellamy pushed himself onto me and suddenly his lips were on mine. I didn’t know what to do or how to react, all I knew was that I could taste Bellamy Blake on my lips, and I never wanted to stop.

I felt that spark.

The spark they talk about in movies. I felt the movie romance. I had the movie kiss.

I heard someone start to climb out into the balcony and I pulled away quickly. I felt my cheeks go red quickly and so did Bellamy. Octavia had joined us and was looking at both of us weird, like she knew what had happened.

“So, what did I interrupt?” Octavia asked and me and Bellamy shook our heads, saying nothing.

Octavia looked unconvinced, but she just sighed and she watched the stars with us. Me and Bellamy stayed next to each other and he held my hand the entire night we were out there.

We didn’t talk for a very long time. Me and him were both too scared to talk to each other. Neither of us expected that to happen. But it just did.

We stayed separate from each other for a while. But, that didn’t last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I honestly loved the kiss but how awkward is gonna be between them now? Next chapter is gonna be this from Bellamy’s POV! And I’m excited for his POV


	8. Bellamy’s POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy’s POV  
> That is all I have to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the fact that this chapter is Bellamy’s first POV is my favorite thing. I know it’s kinda boring to read the same thing sorta but it’s from a different point of view and I like that it’s bellamys. Ya know? Besides I rlly wanna end on equal chapters, so that’s why some chapters will be more than one POV

•Bellamy’s POV•

“You like Finn?” I yelled, a little surprised. Clarke looked surprised,probably thought I wasn’t listening. “Clarke?” I asked again and she nodded. 

_ Clarke likes Finn.  _

It's weird that I don’t feel good about that, right? I mean, it’s not like I have feelings for Clarke. Or…? No, that’s ridiculous. 

It’s just that, hearing she likes Finn, makes me feel weird. Jealous maybe, but I don’t know. 

“Then, who’s the other person?” I asked after a second and she shook her head again. 

“Heck no. Not happening. I’m not telling,” Clarke replied to my question and I sighed. 

“Huh, is it Wells?” Octavia chimed in and Clarke laughed, like it was the most ridiculous question ever. “Well?”

“No, Wells is my bestie. I can’t ever see myself with him,” She said to me and Octavia. 

“So, it’s someone you see yourself with? Hmmm, who have you talked about before?” I thought out loud. 

“Is it weird that we actually don’t know anyone you’ve ever liked?” I added to my other questions. Clarke had a strange look on her face, like she just realized something. 

“Yeah. Cause things like this would happen,” she said in a snarky way, tilting her head to the side. 

“It is weird, especially since I’m her bff and I’m supposed to know these things,” Octavia said as she pushed Clarkes leg playfully. 

Clarke shrugged her shoulders and laid back down in the chair. “Naw, we’re not done,” I told her, pulling her back up in a sitting position. 

“Why do you even care?” She asked me and I smirked. “Like, what’s your ulterior motive?” 

“Don’t have one, princess,” I said, using her favorite nickname. I sat down next to Clarke and hit her shoulder with mine playfully. I felt Octavia watching us closely and I felt weird. 

I left to go to the bathroom and all I could hear was Clarke and Octavia being girls. I heard them gossiping, but I had no idea about what. 

**5 months later**

*******

It’s been about five months since I’ve really seen Clarke. The police came to her house five months ago and she never told us why. After the day at the pool, she hasn’t really talked to me.

She’s barely talked to Octavia. They had a few sleepovers before summer ended, but she hasn’t told us what’s going on. Not talking to her is making me go crazy.

We even asked Finn and he told us that she hasn’t talked to him either. 

Me and Octavia went months without talking to her. And I’m those months, I’ve felt lost. I’ve felt continuously sad. I can’t get rid of the way I feel without her. 

I miss Clarke, so much.

***

It was December already and my mom had invited Clarke and her dad to watch the ball drop. She wasn’t really aware of what was going on with all of us and I thought it would be a little weird.

Clarke had decided to stay the night with us, after we had sorta put her on the spot. 

It didn’t matter, I was determined to talk to her. We all fell asleep a little after 12 and it was about 3 when I woke up to a panicked Clarke.

She was sitting up, panting loudly. I could see fear in her eyes and I saw her let go of a tear. I grabbed her hand and took her to the small balcony, where we would spend most of our nights

We stayed silent for a while, just staring at the stars. I sighed, looking to Clarke. I’m gonna say something. I have to.

“I thought the nightmares stopped.”

Clarke sighed, “They did, but these aren’t the same ones. They’re, um, about my mom,” she told me and I looked at her confused.

“Why are they about your mom?” I asked Clarke.

I knew her mom left and I thought that Clarke had forgotten all about her mother. I thought she didn’t care about her mom anymore. Guess I was wrong.

“On the last day of school last year, when me and my dad went home, my mo—Abby was there. She told my dad she wanted to come to take me back. Of course, we called the cops for breaking into our house. They arrested her, but she got out on a small bail. Then a few months ago, she came back to take me. My dad and I have been going to multiple courts dates, every other week,” she told me.

I was stunned. Clarke hardly never talked about her mom. But, when she did, she would always talk about what she was like before her brother died. 

We just stayed there. Clarke was watching the stars and I was watching her closely. 

And then I realized, she’s been dealing with this all on her own for months. She hasn’t talked to any of us. She hasn’t talked to anyone about this.

I felt like such a bad person for not realizing anything earlier. Or just fucking asking her when she stopped talking to me.

I grabbed Clarke’s hand, looking at her eyes widen at the sudden touch. She looked to me and smiled her beautiful smile. “Clarke, I’m always here. Please remember that next time,” I told her. 

“I know, it was just so hard. I thought I had escaped her, escaped that part of my life. Guess not. She just waltzed back in and she’s going to take me from my dad. And you.”

I shook my head. “None of us will ever let that happen. I promise.”

I saw a tear fall down her cheek and I smiled sadly. I placed my hand on her cheek and wiped the tear away with my thumb.

Clarke looked at me, staring deep into my eyes. I realized I was slowly drifting towards her. I didn’t even stop, I didn’t want to. I gulped hard. 

I couldn’t breathe. 

I was leaning in, we were close. Way to close for friends to be. But I didn’t want to leave or move away. 

Am I about to kiss Clarke? 

Octavia has made me watch plenty of her romantic movies. I know how kisses work. We’re both leaning in. We both want this. I think. 

Clarke leaned in so close We were so close, I could feel her breath on my lips. I looked into her beautiful blue eyes as she looked into mine.

”Can I?” I asked her and she nodded, her forehead resting against mine. We both wanted this.

I pushed myself closer to Clarke and and the next thing I knew my lips were on hers. Her lips were on mine.

Clarke tasted like sweet. She tasted like love, or how I’d imagine it taste like.

I knew how she tasted. That’s the most surreal feeling ever. And the weirdest. 

I always heard Clarke and Octavia talk about their romantic movies and they said they wanted to feel something. They wanted that spark. I wasn’t completely sure what that was. But I think I felt what they were talking about.

_ Wow.  _ Was all I could think.  _ Holy crap,  _ as well. 

Clarke quickly pulled away and I looked to her confused. She looked to the window and I saw Octavia climbing out of it. I felt my cheeks go red quickly and so did Clarke’s. Octavia had joined us and was looking at both of us weird, like she knew what had happened. 

“So, what did I interrupt?” Octavia asked and me and Clarke shook our heads, saying nothing. 

Octavia looked unconvinced, but she just sighed and she watched the stars with us. Me and Clarke stayed next to each other and I held her hand the entire time. 

We didn’t talk for a very long time after. We avoided each other, I think because we were both scared. Neither of us expected that to happen. But it just did. 

We stayed separate from each other for a while. But, that didn’t last long. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what u thought! 
> 
> Kudos and comments are better than candy!   
> -Lily


	9. Dances

The bell rang as I walked into the classroom and I quickly took my seat next to Wells. He handed me a piece of gum, like usual and smiled. 

“So, any luck lately with you know who?” He whispered so quietly to avoid the teacher. I sighed, shaking my head and pulling out my phone. I pulled up Bellamy’s contact and looked at the last text. 

It was  _ two  _ months ago. It's been two months since i last talked to my best friend in the entire world. Just because we kissed.  

Two months ago we kissed and haven’t talked since. It’s been weird. And confusing. I haven’t told anyone --except for wells, cause her wells, and he somehow always knows every damn thing-- and I assume he hasn’t told anyone either. 

“Well, I wasn't really talking about Bellamy, but alright,” wells said, in a snarky voice. Well more like sassy. I looked at him, confused for a second, he chuckled as I raised my eyebrows at him. 

“Finn, aduh idiot.”

My mouth made an ‘O’ shape and he nodded at me knowingly. Wells looked back behind us, where a separate row was sitting. Two seats down from behind me was Finn, in his own world, copying down whatever the teacher wrote down. I smiled slightly at him, looking at the beautiful stars in his eyes.

He looked to Clarke, who quickly put her head down, her cheeks turning bright red. She looked back up to catch his eyes and he smiled widely at her, and the stars in his eyes grew bigger. Clarke smiled back, turning to Wells, who, cause why wouldn't he, had the biggest shit eating grin on his face.

“Lingered a bit there, didn't we?” Wells asked as Clarke’s blush disappeared and she gathered herself. I rolled my eyes at him and he chuckled like a little kid. “Seriously. What's going on? There's Bellamy and there's Finn.”

“Yes, I know. It's just--” Clarke stalled thinking to herself for a minute, trying to explain how she felt. “I like them both, and I feel something for both of them. It's all a matter of who makes a move first,” she told him, finally being able to explain her feelings in sentence. 

“Okay, but what if the wrong person makes a move? Like Bellamy does and you realize that you want Finn…” Wells added, making a good point. But i'm not stupid, I plan ahead. 

“Then I turn Bellamy down nicely and say that I want Finn. Plain and simple.”

“If you say so.”

We listened to our teacher for the rest of the class period. The bell rang and I gathered my stuff, but Finn stopped me from getting up by touching my shoulder. I felt a shiver up my back at the touch, and I liked it.

“Hey, Clarke,” he said, looking at me deeply and taking a seat next to me. I smiled at him as he continued talking, “So, I know it's a week away and it's really late to ask because i bet you already have your dress and stuff, but i was wondering if you'd want to go to the winter formal with me?” He asked me in his jumble of words. I tried to pick apart the most important, but the, most I got was  _ “Hey, Clarke, do you feel like going to a very important dance with me? Possibly the first very important dance you'll ever have?” _

_ Hello, move, I've been awaiting you. _

I smiled at him. I didn't know if this was I wanted a hundred percent, but he was here and making an effort, which is more than can be said for Bellamy.

“You don't have to say yes right now, I under--” 

“Yes.” I said to him, a wide smile reaching the ends of my face. He walked me to my next class. I think I might have looked a little too smiley, but I didn't care, I was sort of happy.

* * *

 

I had decided to walk home with Octavia, with Bellamy trailing behind us, talking quietly with Wells. We were all going to my house to work on homework and the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. 

Octavia was blabbing to me about the dance and what I planned to wear. She was mainly just excited I got asked, and that I said yes. 

“And you have to match him. Or he has to match you,” Octavia said loudly, pulling out her old phone and showing me couple matches on Pinterest. “You could do blue, pink, or red, or purple…” 

As she kept talking, I started drowning her out to think. The more I thought about going with Finn, the weirder I felt about it. Maybe I was just tired. But, as I thought about matching with Finn, all I could think was how red looks good on Bellamy.

“Clarke?” Wells butted in, stepping in front of me and waving a hand in front of me. I blinked at him and he chuckled at me. “Come on. We’re here.” He added, pointing to my house. 

I was halfway up the stairs when Octavia and Wells we’re already in the house, I realized that Bellamy was waiting at the start of the stairs, hesitating.

“Bell?” I asked him and he turned around, looking away from me. “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes, starting up the stairs.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He shouted and is stopped on the top step. I turned around to look at him.

“It means that you’re trying to piss me off and it’s working. And I don’t understand why. What’s your problem?” I snapped. 

“My problem? Nothing, Clarke. I got it, there’s nothing between us. Whatever happened doesn’t matter, I don’t matter to you.” he assumed. Which wasn’t true. There was so much between them, he had no idea. But, Finn asked her. 

“Bellamy…come inside.” 

All of a sudden it started raining hard, pouring onto both of them. Clarke walked down to him and put her hands on his shoulders.

“Bellamy, you have no idea how I feel. You can’t just assume,” I told him as I felt myself start to lean closer to him. “You are my world. You mean so much to me. What happened, it’s—I meant it. I wouldn’t change it. It just shouldn’t have happened.”

“That’s fair. Come on, it’s freezing.” He pulled me into the warm house and I still felt the rain falling down my face. 

“Where did you two go?” Octavia asked and Bellamy laughed at her. “Go change, losers.”

“Come on, I have clothes for you,” Clarke said, pulling Bellamy behind her. 

They walked up the stairs and Bellamy felt the need to ask Clarke why she had guy clothes in her room. Of course, they belonged to jace. Which made sense to him. But also made him feel like the worst person ever. 

“Bell, it’s okay. Maybe you should keep them, though. They may as well get used,” Clarke said nonchalant, like it meant nothing. And he thought that it sort of made sense.

But it also didn’t. 

Clarke never made any sense to him. And his feeling for her never made any sense either. Basically, just being around her didn’t make any sense. 

She drove him crazy.

* * *

 

Clarke and Bellamy stepped out of the car together, stepping onto the front lawn of the Jahas. They saw wells and his date, Sasha, posing together, a flash going off in front of them. 

Another car pulled up behind them as Clarke’s dad Waltzed over to Thelonious. Finn stepped out of the car, his suit clinging to him perfectly. It brought out the stars in his eyes, or that was from looking at Clarke. Either or.

Finn walked over to Clarke, putting his arm around her waist, grasping her tightly next to him. Bellamy felt uneasy at the sight, but tucked it away for the night. 

They all stood together to take pictures together. Finn was on the left end, next to him was Clarke, then Bellamy, then Wells, and then Sasha. 

It was a cute picture, that would go up on everyone’s social media the next day. 

They all gathered into the Jahas car and made their way to the dance. 

Clarke’s dress was a beautiful sapphire dress. I’m was short in the front, with a train in the back. The top had small sparkles and sequins on it. Finn had a black suit with a red bow-tie. They were cute together. 

It still wasn’t enough. 

Which sucked for both of them. 

* * *

There was a slow song playing and wells had left the for the dance floor with Sasha. Clarke looked to Finn, who shook his head at her, raising his arms in the air.

“I can’t dance to save my life,” he said and Bellamy laughed. “Take Bellamy,” he suggested and I smiled.

“Bell?” I asked, reaching my hand out to him. He smiled and took it and led me to the floor.

We started dancing slowly.

“So, how has your night been so far?” He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders. 

“It’s been fine. It could’ve been better but we’re not gonna get into that,” I said. Bellamy looked at me confused and I laughed. “It’s nothing important.”

“Do you think that if Finn asks you to be his girlfriend, you’re gonna say yes?” He asked me and I froze. “This is hypothetical,” he quickly added.

“Well I don't know. I don’t have any reason to say no. Unless someone were to give me one,” I said and he smiled a little.

“I could but I don’t think you’re ready,” he said and I chuckled.

“Have you met me? I’m never ready for anything. Tell me, you look like you want to.”

Bellamy leaned into me and whispered in my ear, “Looks like Finn beat me, so it doesn’t matter.” He let go of my hands and looked at me deeply. “I have to go,” he said and walked away. 

I stood there with my mouth open, in shock. I don’t believe I heard that right. What could that possibly mean? 

_ “Looks like Finn beat me” _

At what? What was there to be beaten at? Was there ever a competition? 

_ Men. Guys. Boys.  _ Clarke thought as she placed a hand on her head and rolled her eyes.

She had to go after Bellamy, right? And ask what the fuck he meant. 

No, she was here with Finn. Who had actually asked her. Clarke walked back to Finn and pulled him up out of the chair.

“Where are we going?” He asked me and I smirked, stopping on the dance floor. The slow dance was still going and she decided to make good use of it. “Clarke, no.”

She shook her head and Finn gave in, wrapping his arms around her waist while Clarke wrapped her arms around his neck. They started swaying together. 

“See, not that bad,” Clarke said, a small laugh escaping her lips. Finn rolled his eyes as he scoffed. 

“You looked weird when you danced with Bellamy. Everything good with you two?” He asked me and I swallowed hard. All I could think about was what he said. And how it made me feel.

“No, it’s all good. He got a text from wells for help with something,” I told him. Great, a lie. Because, it wasn’t all good. It was all bad. But he didn’t need to know that. 

Finn's brother took me and Finn to my house. Finn walked me up the steps of my house and we stopped on the porch. The light was off, so I knew my dad was asleep.

Finn placed his hand on my cheek, looking me deep in the eyes. I knew what he wanted to do. And I didn’t want to stop him. 

“My dads asleep.”

He smiled wickedly and he placed his lips onto mine. He tasted sweet. He moved away and let go of my cheek. 

“Will you be my girlfriend?” He asked me and I felt my heart stop. I couldn’t talk. My mouth was dry.

“Yes,” I managed out. “I’d love to.”

I talked to him for a little longer and then his brother honked the horn and he left.

* * *

 

Dear diary

January 18, 2010

_ I went to my first dance. With Finn. It was fantastic. Because then, I kissed him. And I felt something. _

_ I felt more than I felt with Bellamy. And I think I know now. For a while I thought maybe I was wrong about Finn. And that maybe it was Bellamy. _

_ But I know it’s Finn. And I don’t think it’s going to change.  _

_ He tasted like a pickle when I kissed him. Probably because he ate a pickle with his food. It was cute.  _

_ A little gross, but cute.  _

_ I wonder if I should tell my dad. _

_ I didn’t tell him when I kissed Bellamy. Maybe it’s best I just stay innocent in his eyes.  _

_ Other great news, Finn asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.  _


	10. Win or lose?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk. Read it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who updated at an acceptable time? This girl! Honestly I’m surprised I had the motivation to do this and it probably won’t happen for a while so soak it uppppppppp. And only 5 chapter left. This sister is quaking. This chapter is just supposed to build the next few chapter of Clarke and Bellamy discovering their feelings

After the dance, things had started changing for Clarke. It was only five weeks after and Clarke couldn’t tell if the change was for the better or the worse.

Jake had met with Abby and the lawyers 11 times. She said that they couldn’t keep putting court off. Abby played the mom card, even though she wasn’t even close to a mom. Nowhere near it.

She complained about how she had already missed Clarke’s first school dance. And how she was missing Clarke grow up. Which was total BS. 

Jake had said how Abby didn’t care about that when she was packing her bags in the middle of the night. 

Clarke had to give a testimony about her mom during court the next day, and she was absolutely terrified. The lawyers had told her that she should tell the truth, especially how she felt about her mom. 

But, the truth was, she had no idea how she felt. She was 15. How is she supposed to know how she felt. 

At first, of course, she couldn’t stand the sound of her mother's voice. Couldn’t even stand the sight of her. Now, here she was, trying to win Clarke back. Maybe she actually hated herself for what she’d done. Maybe she felt guilty, remorseful.

But, Clarke knew Abby better than that. And she knew that this was for her own personal reasons, whatever they were. She didn’t actually want Clarke back. 

It was so hard not to think that maybe she was here for Clarke. That she really wanted to be her mom.

Other than her ridiculous mom, thing with Bellamy had changed. After what he had said to her at the dance, she didn’t know about his feelings, let alone hers.

And it was scary because she was with Finn, who was amazing and good to her. They would go to her house and fall asleep on the couch together while watching a stupid show they found. Or they would go to his house and spend hours laying on the trampoline in his backyard together.

And they would hold hands in the hallway together at school, and they couldn’t care less if they got detention for PDA.

And they would go out to dinner together, and Finn would give her a hello kiss and a goodbye kiss. 

They would sneak out onto Finns roof and watch the stars at night. It had become their thing. And Clarke had started to feel bad about doing that with him because that was her thing with Bellamy.

At the same time, though, she didn’t care. Because she had all of these amazing things with Finn. It was blissful, and she hasn’t thought of anything other than her mom, Finn, school, and the Blake’s.

Her life felt sort of complete with Finn, in a crazy, people are going to tell you that you’re too young, type of way. 

It was weird, it didn’t make sense. But nothing really did at her age.

Things between her and Bellamy got really tense after the dance. They talked all the time. Like normal. Except it wasn’t normal, not in the least.

* * *

Clarke and Finn were sitting on her couch, watching how the  _ Grinch Stole Christmas,  _ even though it was nowhere near December.

Finn had his arm draped around Clarke’s neck softly as Clarke laid her head on his chest. They were cuddled up on the couch, taking in the scent of each other shirts.

At some point, they had drifted away from the tv and started making out aimlessly on the couch. Clarke was under Finn who was on top of her, kissing her lips softly. 

They kept doing this, just kissing each other softly and passionately. They both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about what was going on between her thighs. 

Clarke sat up, giving Finn one last quick kiss as he sighed. He whined for more and Clarke chuckled at Finn.

“I have homework to do. Either you can stay and help me or go home and do your homework,” Clarke told him, standing up to grab her backpack. 

“Depends, what do u have to do?” 

“Art, physics, and geometry,” Clarke answered him.

“Sounds boring. I’ll go home and play video games instead,” he said, giving her cheek a quick peck. 

Clarke walked him to the door, giving him a small kiss goodbye. 

“You know what?” Finn said, taking ahold of Clarke’s hand. He looked her deep in her blue eyes, smiling widely at her.

“What?”

“I’m glad that you were my first kiss and that I was yours,” he told her and Clarke felt like she was going to freeze in her current stance.

“Finn…” Clarke started. She had to tell him that he wasn’t her first kiss. That she’s experienced that before him. 

“No, I’m serious, Clarke. I’m glad that we get to share all of these first together.”

“That’s sweet, babe. But, you weren’t my first kiss,” Clarke said, placing a careful hand to his cheek. “I’m sorry. I probably should’ve told you that five weeks ago.”

Finn chuckled. “What do you mean?” Finn shouted at her, gripping her hand a little to tight. “I thought we got to share that! Unbelievable,” he mumbled under his breath. 

“Finn, I sorry. I didn’t think it mattered that much. People kiss other people sometimes. We weren’t together then.”

“You regret kissing the other guy?” He asked her and Clarke nodded. “If he doesn’t matter, tell me who is he?” 

“No one important, I promise.”

Finn scoffed and rolled his eyes. He turned around, placing a hand on his hip. “I’m sorry, I should have yelled at you. You don’t deserve that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was kissed before.”

“No, Clarke, it’s okay. You're too beautiful to not have been kissed before. I really shouldn’t be mad, I’m just lucky that you want me now.”

“I gotta go. See you later, Clarkie,” he said to her, turning around, giving her forehead a small kiss before hopping on his bike and riding it home.

Clarke walked back into her house and started her homework, rewinding the  _ Grinch  _ and watching it as she drew a face portrait of Jace, as much as she could remember about him. 

* * *

Clarke and Jake walked into the courtroom, took their stance behind the podium in front of the judge.

Abby came in after them and then the judge took her seat. “I hear we’re calling Clarke to talk about her mom,” the judge said and the lawyers nodded. Clarke walked up to the seat that was placed next to the judge.

“Whenever you're ready.”

“No one has asked me what I actually want to do. Where I want to go. Who I want live with. No one has asked me about any of this. Not my mother who so claims to know what I want. My dad on the other hand, knows what I want, where I want to be. Because he’s been there for the last 6 years of my life, when Abby wasn’t.

And it breaks my heart to think that my mom could actually be here for me, and not just her own selfish feelings. But, the woman who was my mother, she died the day my brother died. Maybe even before that. 

That’s how I feel about the woman standing right there. She’s not my mom. And I don’t know what she possibly wants, but it’s not good. I want to be with my dad. I have my life with my father. 

And that’s what I want.”

“Well said, Mrs. Griffin. Good thing that I don’t plan on giving you to your mother,” the judge said and banged her gavel on the thing. “Case dismissed. Abby Griffin is to have no contact with Clarke Griffin. A restraint order is wanted by the father, is that something you still want?”

Jake shook his head yes and they all left.

Clarke and Jake celebrated by going out to dinner with Finn, Bellamy, Octavia, and Jane.

We dropped off Finn at home, but no before he gave me a small kiss on the lips. I got back in the car and dad had a depressed look on his face.

Then dad dropped me off at Bellamy and Octavia’s house. Things were weird between me and Bellamy. So I spent the entire night with Octavia. We built a fort because we felt like it and fell asleep way too late.

At some point during the night, Bellamy came into the room and fell asleep in Octavia’s bed. He said it was because Aurora told him to, but they both knew he was just lonely. 

Clarke went home and ate breakfast with Jake and Jane. She felt amazingly happy. She even got to meet Jane’s kids that morning. Ella is three months older than her and goes to the school across town. Kyler is 9 and goes to the same school as Octavia. 

Clarke went over to Finns, where she spent the rest of the day. They played video games and fell asleep on the trampoline a few times. 

_ Dear diary _

_ March 5, 2010 _

_ We won. _

_ Me and dad won. We never have to see Abby again. You have no idea how relieved I feel. _

_ Me and Finn are good. He makes me happy and I’m glad that he’s not mad at me for ever. We just had our first fight, and I expected it to happen at some point.  _

_ I think Bellamy is coming around. And I think I might be to.  _

_ I met Janes kids. Ella and Kyler. They’re nice. I just don’t think that things are going to work out with my dad and her.  _

_ They seem too different. Not bad different. I want him to be happy, I just don’t think it’s going to be with Jane. And, it’s not like he can get married. Abby is putting off signing the divorce papers for as long as she can.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did u think? Let me know in the comments. 
> 
> P.S. don’t worry Flarke blows up in a very dangerous way, I promise. 
> 
> Kudos are better than candy! Comments keep me motivated!   
> -Lily


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha no (;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo. Guess who’s back? And probably won’t update for a longggg time. So take it in. 
> 
> Tbh this story is really all over the place and I hate it. But I have to get it over with cause I’m already planning another one that I’m rlly excited for
> 
> P.S. SORRY TO ANYONE WHO REALLY LIKES WELLS HAHA

_ No.  _

_ It was all a horrible dream. And Clarke would wake up. And forget all of this.  _

But she didn’t. It wasn’t a dream. It was reality, real life. And she had no idea how to handle it all. Because her best friend was dead. He was gone. Dead. 

The word almost sounded foreign on her lips. Because she hasn’t thought about the dead in a long while. The last person she thought about was Jace and how he was gone. But that was a very long time ago. Because the nightmares stopped. And she didn’t think of him everyday now.

And it was 2:46am, Clarke was sitting in the hospital waiting room, holding Octavia’s hand for constant support. And every time she closed her eyes, the nightmares came back. But not just about jace, about Wells, too. 

Because her best friend was dead. Her boyfriend was nowhere to be found. Her bff was there, but not there. Her—well Bellamy was pacing across the room, in front of them. 

He was just as scared. Because Finn stormed out of the hospital. Probably in shock. And everyone knew about his bad temper that had formed in the past 14 months, since him and Clarke started dating. 

Bellamy didn’t let Clarke go after him. Told her to let him cool down. And now they had no idea where he was because he wasn’t answering his phone. 

They were all waiting for Jake to walk out of the hospital doors and tell them that Wells is completely fine and will make a full recovery. But they all saw it. He was in the driver's seat. He took the most damage.

Everyone knew he wasn’t okay. He was dead. And Clakre has been to work with her parents multiple times. In these types of situations, they don’t tell you until hours after the death. To let you calm down. And it’s been three hours since they had all been brought to the E.R. 

Clarke had a major concussion, she really shouldn’t even be up. But she didn’t listen. And a sprained wrist. Along with a deep gash on her cheek. 

Bellamy had a few cuts bruises along his chin and forehead—Which almost made him hotter. Nothing serious. He was in the back.

Finn had a few lacerations on his legs and a piece of glass impaled the back of his head and he had stitches. 

Octavia had a few pieces of glass pierce her face. But they were small cuts and she was ok. 

_ It was so dumb. None of them had been drinking as far as Clarke was concerned. Definitely not Wells. He never drank. So why would he now? _

* * *

 

4 hours ago: 

Clarke finished talking to Monroe and she walked back over to Finn, who was standing next to raven, clearly flirting with her. Clarke pretended not to care. Or didn’t notice. 

“Hey,” She said, half hugging him, placing a kiss on his cheek. He hugged her back and leaned into the kiss.

“Hi. Do you know when you want to go?” 

“Now. I’m getting tired. I’ll go find wells and Bell. Octavia’s over there. Go grab her, please, babe,” Clarke told him and he did as told, leaving Raven alone. 

It took 45 minutes to get everyone back to the car. And they were all running late to curfew. So they hopped into the car and Wells was always designated driver because he didn’t like drinking. 

It was late. And they were trying to beat everyone’s curfew. The first one to be dropped off was Finn. And on the way there, they sped past the one out of two traffic lights their town has. And someone came out of nowhere. 

Wells was hit head on. Clarke was in passenger, and she was going to be “monitored” for a long time. Octavia was sitting in the middle in the back, Bellamy was sitting behind Clarke and Finn was behind Wells. 

* * *

 

Clarke stood up, walked over to Bellamy and wrapped her arms around him.

“You shouldn’t be standing up,” he told her. “You heard the doctor.”

“I never listen,” she said, he face smashed against his chest. Bellamy chuckled, making Clarke chuckle. “Bellamy, you’re giving me anxiety with the pacing back and forth. Sit the hell down.”

“Okay. Sorry. I’m just worried.”

Clarke nodded, grabbing his hand guiding him to the seat next to her and Octavia. 

It wasn’t 2 hours later that Jake came out of the surgical doors.

And Clarke knew.

Her best friend was dead. She could tell by the look on his face.

Octavia and Bellamy stood up immediately, but Clarke grabbed their hands, pulling them back down. She shook her head and they understood. They got it. Wells was dead. 

“I’m sorry, guys. Wells had an popped aneurysm bleeding into his brain. There wasn’t much we could do. So we’ve decided that we’re going to make him comfortable,” Jake said and then cleared his throat. “We haven’t been able to get in touch with Thelonious.”

“We’ll try to call him,” Bellamy said, pulling his phone out of his pocket, which had somehow survived the crash. “Can we see him?” He asked, and Clarke could see him struggling to keep his tears down.

He was real. He cried like a real person. Clarke has seen him cry before, of course. Once when they had just met and Bellamy was trying to impress her. At least she thinks he tried to impress her. He climbed up a tree, because Clarke had said she always wanted a treehouse. 

And Bellamy said,  _ “We can just climb the tree. There’s your treehouse.” _ And he didn’t listen when Clarke and Octavia we’re telling him how dumb he was. So he climbed half the tree, and when he grabbed a bad branch he fell and broke his left arm. 

Bellamy cried. But barely. And Clarke will always remember that moment. Too her, it’s the first time she realized Bellamy wasn’t just some emotionless boy. 

“Yes. Follow me,” Jake said, turning on his heel and starting towards the doors he came out of. Bellamy grabber Clarke’s hand tightly, pulling her with him. Octavio followed closely behind.

Jake led them to a long hallway, with grey, metal doors leading into a corridor, with the words ICU in a sign above the doors.

Clarke felt a tremble sent up her spine as he hands started to shake with the memory’s of last time she was here. 

_ Jace. _

Jake opened a wooden door to a room, and let the teens go in first. Bellamy was in the first one in. Because he has to know what was going on. He had too see how bad it was first.

He kept walking, pulling Clarke with him. He looked back at her as she walked in, and he could see her steel herself as she saw her best friend. He gave her hand a tight squeeze, letting her know he was there. And she gave him one back. 

Octavia came in last. She placed her arm over her mouth. Maybe to keep herself from crying or to stop herself from gagging.

And Clarke understood. Out of the three of them, Clarke has seen more than both of them can comprehend. Clarke could barely keep herself together when she saw Wells, lying on the small cot, hooked up to way too many machines. 

Next to the bed, on a metal tray, was a bag of all of his things, and Clarke heard his phone start to ring.

They all looked at each other and Clarke moved to grab it. She looked at the caller ID. “It’s Mr. Jaha,” Clarke said. 

“You have to answer it,” Bellamy said. “We might not get him again.” Clarke nodded, sighing as she turned around, not facing both of them on purpose, she hit the accept button.

“Hello, Mr. Jaha,” Clarke said in a fake confidence tone.

“Clarke? What is going on? I have a bunch of missed calls from you, Wells, Bellamy, and your father.”

“Yes, I know. That's because we’ve been trying to reach you. You have to come home and meet us at the hospital as fast as you can. It's Wells,” Clarke told him. And she couldn't even hang up before she heard him opening a car door.

Clarke hung up, placing the phone down, turning to look at her friends. She could feel her tears start to stain her ckeeks now. “So, he's on his way. You guys need sleep, go home. I can stay.” 

Octavia raised her arms in the ar, stretching. “She’s not wrong, Bell,” She said to him, going for her phone. “We can call mom to come get us.”

“O, I think you should call mom. But i'm not going. I'm going to stay with Clarke,” he said, looking to her and then back to Octavia. She nodded, walking over to both of them and pulling them in for a hug. She made her way out of the room, leaving Bellamy and Clarke alone in their thoughts. 

* * *

It was morning now, and Wells was still clinging to the machines. Thelonious has gotten there already and he had told both kids to go home. He could stay with wells. 

Clarke and Bellamy were waiting outside the hospital, shuddering under the cold. 

“What’s going on with you and Finn?” He asked her and Clarke felt her body go still. “And don’t lie, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Nothing you need to worry about, Bell,” she said sweetly, rubbing her hands against her crossed arms. 

“Bull.”

Clarke laughed to herself. He always knew when she was lying or when something was wrong. Unlike Finn. Who didn’t care. And was probably having sex with another random girl. 

Clarke hadn’t been with him long. They had been dating for 5 weeks, and they had a small fight about Finn not being Clarke’s first kiss. And then not 3 months later she found him in bed with Raven.

“You’ve noticed he’s pretty angry. And kinda violent?” She asked him and he nodded, stepping forward a little, his eyes bugging out of his head. “We got into a fight almost 7 months ago, and it really pissed him off. I found him cheating on me almost 6 months ago.”

“What?” He yelled, maybe a little too loud. “You’ve been with him for almost a year. And your still with him?” 

“He has really bad stuff on my dad… and my mom,” she stopped to look at him. “And, I know I shouldn’t be protecting her but I have to protect my dad. And if that means keeping up good appearances in public, then so be it.”

“Clarke…” he started, grabbing her hand and pulling her into a deep hug. “I’m sorry. Is it really so bad though?” He asked her and she nodded against his chest, her hot tears staining his shirt. 

“When my parents started their first clinic together, they were really young, fresh out of college, newly married, expecting jace, they did some bad things to stay afloat. If it got out…”

“It could ruin your dad and any chance you could have.”

Clarke nodded. “Everyone has their own demons, I guess.”

“What’re you going to do?” 

“Whatever I have to do. Maybe marry him if I have to,” Clarke told him, and that made Bellamy’s blood boil for some reason. Like the thought of Clarke marrying someone was disturbing. Or maybe it was the thought of Clarke marrying anyone but him.

Bellamy pulled away from her real fast, distancing them. He couldn’t go back to being in love with her. It didn’t work well last time. They both got hurt and their friendship almost didn't survive. 

“I want to break up with him. I’ve been stuck with him for almost nine months. I don’t love him anymore. I can’t, not when he’s done this.”

“Clarke, you have to break up with him.” He told her. “And, you can’t care what he does with that information. It’s blackmail. Which is kinda illegal.”

“I know.”

* * *

Clarke had just left the hospital with Bellamy and Thelonious called them, telling them that Wells had died. He decided to pull the plug.

Her best friend was dead. 

_ Gone. _

* * *

 

Jake has dropped Clarke off at Finns. She had walked up to his room, scared at what she might find. She couldn’t hear anything, so she thought he was sleeping. 

“Finn?” She called as she knocked on his bedroom door. “We gotta talk.”

The door opened. “What do you want, Clarke?” He asked her. “I’m kinda busy.” He said, and Clarke rolled her eyes. 

“Well, get busy with this. We’re done. I’m breaking up with you,” Clarke said to him, her hands going to her hips. Clarke started down the stairs and Finn followed her.

“You can’t break up with me,” he told her, grabbing her hand as she opened the door.

“Watch me,” she said as she started out the door. “Have a nice life, jackass.”

 

_ Dear diary  _

_ April 15, 2011 _

_ Wells died. It feels weird, impossible almost. Maybe I’m imagining it and I’m just going crazy. I think that I’d rather have that be true.  _

_ Me and Finn broke up. I just felt the need to say that. To remember the moment I felt free.  _

_ When I told him it was over, I felt something weird come over me. Like a strange feeling.  _

_ A part of me thought of Bellamy the second I said those words.  _

_ And I don’t understand. Because I don’t like him like that.  _

_ I think.  _

_ Oh crap. _

_ I’m in deep shit.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos and comment!  
> -Lily


	12. Somethin beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know better by now ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually updated pretty quick(well for me) and I’m really shocked. 
> 
> THIS IS BASICALLY THE LAST CHAPTER!!!  
> The next chapter or the actual last chapter is an epilogue that I have no idea when it will be posted. 
> 
> Oof, So this story is kinda over. It’s pretty nice, not gonna lie.

Clarke walked into the church, her black shoes making a loud thump every time she walked. Bellamy caught her eye, in his black, tight suit, he was nowhere near the casket.

Clarke made her way over to him, patting his shoulder and making him turn around. He gave her a hug the second he saw her. Clarke took in the way he smelled, like cologne. 

“How are you?” He asked as she pulled away. Clarke shrugged. “Me too. I’m just really hoping we don’t see Finn here.”

“Wells was his friend though. I guess he does have a little right to be here,” Clarke said softly.

“Yeah, I guess,” he grabbed two drink off the waiter that was coming around, “I’m going to assume he never did anything with that information,” he said while handing her a drink.

“As far as I’m concerned, no. But I haven’t told my dad.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “You should.”

“I know, but a part of me thinks that he was just lying to keep me with him.”

“Yeah—”

“Clarke,” Octavia said from behind her, giving her best friend a hug. “I’ve missed you.”

Clarke has been held up in her room for two weeks, going through boxed upon boxes of Wells’ things and trying not to break down crying.

“I’ve missed you too, O,” Clarke started. “I’ve just been really busy.”

“This is the first time you’ve been out of your house in 2 weeks,” Bellamy interjected.

“Yeah well, between Wells and Finn, I’ve been finding it hard to just get out of bed.”

“Why Finn?”

“I mean, I know he was a horrible person to me, but I still loved him for a long time. Like the majority of my life I’ve loved him.”

_ Until I met Bellamy, _ Clarke thought to herself.

“Makes sense. But we all know he was a piece of crap. So you should really find a way to get over him,” Octavia said. 

The church bells started ringing and everyone took their seat. 

* * *

 

It was a nice service and burial, but Clarke could barely get through it with Finn’s beady eyes staring her down the entire time. He had showed up right before the service started, and hadn’t taken his eyes off Clarke.

Clarke, Bellamy and Finn were all asked to say something, but Clarke was too busy looking for a runaway kid, and Bellamy was helping. So Finn got up. 

No one expected him too, and Clarke and Bellamy were back by the time he was getting off the small stage. 

* * *

Clarke, Bellamy, and Octavia had all driven home together. Clarke stayed the night at Octavia’s house.

There were no forts or supreme junk or crappy romance movies. They stayed up and talked about everything.

Finn, Wells, Bellamy, school, college. 

_ “What is it with you and my brother?” Octavia asked, almost in an interrogation voice.  _

_ “What’re you talking about?”  _

_ “I’m talking about how you both look at each like you hung the moon. And I don’t get it.” _

_ “We don’t—I don’t—look, it’s only been two weeks since I broke up with Finn, liking someone else would be wrong,” Clarke told her. _

_ “It really wouldn’t be. You have been in love with my brother since you met him. And he’s been in love with you since then to.” _

_ “Even if we both wanted to be with each other, it wouldn’t work. He leaves in 4 months for college. He’s going to graduate high school in a month. In a month I’m just going to be a senior.” _

_ “Nah. What you two have—it’s, well it's crazy. But it’s really nice. You're really going to regret it if you don’t find out if he still likes you,” Octavia said, almost in a way like she knew everything. _

_ “I can get over it. I have before.” _

_ “No, you didn’t. You just pushed the feelings under a rug and let your Finn feeling sit on top of them.” _

_ “Whatever,” Clarke said, ending the conversation.  _

* * *

It was almost 2:30am and Clarke had found herself on the small little balcony, watching the stats twinkle in the sky. 

It was almost calming to her, and she let her mind wander to thoughts of Wells and Finn and Bellamy.

Clarke heard someone come out from behind her, startling her from her deep thoughts. “Oh hey, I didn’t know anyone would be out here,” he said, taking a seat right next to her. 

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep. Plus the stars are really calming.”

“So, What’re you thinking about?” He asked her.

“What? Nothing.”

“Please, I know that look on your face. What’s up?” He asked her.

“Well, I’m just thinking of Finn and Wells—mainly Finn. I just don’t understand how I was ever in love with him. Or how I ever dated him. I just don’t understand.”

“You can’t help who you love, Clarke,” Bellamy said, and Clarke thought she could see a hint of regret in his eyes. 

“Was it fate? Like was I supposed to put up with him to meet who I’m supposed to be with forever?”  

_ “I wish it was me,”  _ Bellamy mumbled under his breath. 

“What?” Clarke asked him and he shook his head, telling her he didn’t say anything. 

“Well, I know what  _ I  _ did. I chose the easy way with Finn. Maybe because I was scared.”

“What?”

“I was really into someone when Finn and I started having a thing. I liked Finn and this other guy. But I liked the other guy more. And I chose Finn. Because a relationship with him wasn’t hard. Because he came out and said he liked me.”

“Okay, but I don’t understand why you're worrying right now.”

“I talked to this other guy and I realized that I still loved him. Even though I thought I had put those feelings under the rug,” she told him.

“Is this guy good?” He asked.

“The best. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“How would you possibly know that?” Bellamy asked.

“I just do. He could never love me. He’s too good of a friend. He’s too good for me. I would never do that to him,” Clarke said and she could feel herself holding back her tears.

“Clarke, no one can be too good for you. You're everything and anyone would be lucky to have you,” he told her as he placed a hand on her cheek, his thumb stroking her cheek. “You're Clarke freaking Griffin for crying out loud.”

Clarke smiled at him. “I'm damaged goods. I mean, my brother, my mother, Finn. What good can I possibly be to someone if I’m worthless?” She asked.

“Your not worthless!” He yelled, getting a little mad. “It’s really aggravating that you're the only one who thinks that you don’t matter.”

“But everyone has always left. Everyone that was supposed to be there for me…well, ya know, isn’t.”

“I'm here,” he said, and Clarke felt a few tears start to swell as she tried to push them down her throat. That’s all she’s ever wanted to hear Bellamy say to her. “I’m always going to be here, Clarke.”

Clarke sniffled, taking her long sleeve and wiping her nose.

Bellamy grabbed Clarke’s hand, and before she knew it, his lips were on hers. His hands were on her cheeks, kissing her senselessly. It was passionate and rough and hot. 

Bellamy pushed Clarke up against the window, making a loud slam noise. He pulled away from, breathless as she looked down, trying to catch her breath.

“If we go farther, we won’t stop,” Bellamy said. Clarke nodded, starting to stand up straight and pull herself together. “I don’t want to stop.”

“Me neither,” Clarke said, and he crashed his lips back to hers, pushing her back up against the window.

They made their way to Bellamy’s room, Clarke was pushed against the door once they were inside. “What about O and Aurora?” Clarke whispered between kisses. 

“Please, they’ve been rooting for this,” He chuckled out. Clarke removed his shirt, throwing it to the ground beside her. Bellamy took off her shirt and started tugging at her leggings. 

They made their way to the bed, and Clarke pushed him down, straddling his hips, feeling him underneath her. Bellamy groaned loudly as Clarke grinded her hips down into his groin.

“If I didn’t say it before, Clarke, I really do like you,” Bellamy said, and leaned up to kiss her hard.

“I really like you to, if it wasn’t obvious by now.” 

* * *

Clarke woke up next to Bellamy, her arm resting on his bare chest, the other tucked in between. Both of his arms were wrapped around her, protecting her.

Clarke smiled, taking in his morning beauty. The way the sun hit him perfectly, the way his freckles outlined his face, the way his curly hair was even messier than normal.

“Staring is creepy,” he mumbled, startling her. 

“I wasn’t staring, promise. Just gazing.”

He looked over at her, kissing her forehead. “What’re you telling Octavia? Because she definitely knows what happened,” he told her.

“Well, that depends what we decide on. Are we gonna be together for the next two months before you leave for college and I’m still a senior? Or are we going to forget about our feelings and go about our lives?”

“I can’t do that. I’ve kept everything to myself for so long. And now that I have you, literally have you. And you're in my bed on a lazy morning. I want this forever. And we can make it work, Clarke.”

Clarke kissed his cheek as she got off the bed, still completely naked. She turned away from him, so he could only see her naked ass. She grabbed her legging and her shirt and threw them on. 

She turned towards Bellamy. “Have you seen my bra?” She asked him and he shrugged. Clarke rolled her eyes because she knew he was lying. 

Clarke walked out of his room, only to be met with Octavia on the other side. “All night? Couldn’t even bother to sneak back into my room before I woke up?”

“Sorry?” Clarke asked Octavia. “You're not mad, right?” Clarke asked her. And Octavia laughed.

“Are you kidding? It’s about damn time. Aurora makes sure that he has condoms in his room. Trust me, we’ve been hoping you guys would get together for a while.”

“That’s a little weird, O,” Clarke said, chuckling at her. “Actually make that a lot weird, but kinda sweet.”

“Hey, we love you!” She said, grabbing her friends hand and leading her down the stairs for breakfast. 

“I love you too, O.”

“As much as you love Bell?” Octavia asked her, and Clarke’s cheeks went red fast as she elbowed Octavia in the side. “Because he loves you a lot girly.”

“Good,” Clarke said, laughing at herself. She ate breakfast with Octavia, Bellamy, and Aurora. Like one big family, and they even invited Jake over. 

Clarke and Bellamy told them that they’d be trying to make things work, because they wanted to. And they wanted to see where it would go. 

And they did. 

Because it was something beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are better than candy!
> 
> -Lily


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmmmm...this is my first finished story on Ao3 and ik it’s crap and I hate it but i have a story finished lol. 
> 
> Kinda excited cause now I can start a new story. 
> 
> Pls enjoy this tho. I actually don’t completely hate it.

“Bellamy!” Clarke shrieked into her boyfriends ear as he started tickling her. She dug her back into the leather couch in the small living room. Good thing no one was home. 

“Stop!” She yelled at him and he only laughed at her in response. “Or I’m going to unpack everything,” she threatened and Bellamy pulled away from her immediately.

“You wouldn’t dare.” He leaned into her, kissing her lips gently.

Clarke pulled away, standing up and running away, “watch me!” She yelled and made her way to Bellamy’s bedroom.

It still smelled like him. Clarke knew she would be spending the next few weeks in here without him. 

“Clarke, stop!” He yelled, running after her into his room. “Please, it took all four of us three weeks to get everything together.”

He wasn’t joking. Bellamy had been putting off packing for college ever since he got his acceptance letter, which was two months ago.

Clarke had come over one day telling him he had to start, because he was gonna have to go at some point. 

It took both of them one week to pack all of his books, dvds, and video games. 

After that, him, Clarke, and Octavia took five days packing up his clothes, shoes, necessities, and a lot of pictures.

Then it took a week and a half for him, Clarke, Octavia, and Aurora to pack up his furniture. they had to disassemble his desk, his dresser, and pack away his computer. Which took a week and a half. 

“Relax babe, I was just kidding.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes at her. Then her noticed the look on her face. He sighed, pulling Clarke into his arms, wrapping her up tightly. Clarke chuckled.

“What’s this for?” She asked him, wrapping her arms around him.

”Happy, right?” He asked her.

”with you? Always,” she answered. 

“If I could stay longer I would. I would put off college and never go if I could stay here with you for the rest of my life.”

“Me too. But you sort of have to go. How else are you going to teach people about their emotions, huh?” She asked him and he chuckled, pressing a wet kiss to her forehead, “Lame nerd,” Clarke whispered under her breath.

Bellamy raised an eyebrow, “Oh yeah?” He asked, tickling her again, pushing her into his bare bed. Clarke could barely breathe when Bellamy muttered, “Mercy?” And she nodded. 

* * *

It was the end of June now, and Bellamy had waited as long as he could to leave for Duke UNI, North Carolina.

Bellamy was standing outside his house, putting a few last things into his truck before he said goodbye. 

No one has seen Finn in almost three months, everyone assumed he went back home to live with his uncle. So, when Bellamy saw him standing on his lawn, it shocked him. 

“Finn. What’re you doing here? Everyone assumed you went home,” Bellamy said to the guy and he shook his head.

“I’m just here to say goodbye. And I’m visiting Jaha today to help him move,” he told Bellamy.

“Oh, well in this case, goodbye I guess,” Bellamy said, reaching out to shake Finn's hand. Bellamy didn’t even really like Finn, but he assumed since they did spend an awful lot of time together, it was the right thing to do. 

“I—I know you don’t like me Bellamy,” Finn started,  _ shit, did I say that out loud?  _ Bellamy thought. “I just thought it was the right thing to do.”

Bellamy nodded and Finn started down the street. He never looked back, just kept going. 

Then, Bellamy remembered he really didn’t like him. At all.

* * *

Bellamy hugged Octavia tightly, kissed the top of her head like he did when they were younger, told her goodbye and to go start the car.

Then he hugged his mom, who gave him and kiss on the cheek, and told him to call her whenever he wanted. But she warned if it was about doing laundry, she would hang up. 

“Octavia, help me in the house,” Aurora said, and Octavia chuckled, walking inside with her.

“Subtle,” Bellamy mumbled under his breath and Clarke laughed, wrapping her arms around him. He did the same, pulling her close to him, closer than he thought he could. 

And that’s when it hit him. Bellamy has never actually been away from Clarke for a long time. Of course, there were times where they argued and didn’t talk for a while, but they were always across the street from each other. 

Soon, they would be miles away from each other. 

And then Bellamy wondered how he ever survived without Clarke in his life. 

Bellamy felt years start to stain his muscle shirt and he looked down to see Clarke sniffing. “Oh god, please don’t cry.”

“Sorry. I just don’t know if we can handle this,” she said and he had to hold back tears. But he knew that it was only for the next 18 weeks. And then he would come home for the extended Halloween break.

“We’ll be okay. I know we will. We haven’t waited this long to fall apart because of seperation. The odds have been stack up against us from the beginning, and somehow here we are,” he said and Clarke laughed.

“I guess you're sort of right.”

“Hey,” He said, looking at her deeply. “I love you. So much. We’ll be okay.”

“I love you too. Be happy, alright?” She asked him and he nodded, telling her to do the same. 

* * *

Clarke isn’t gonna lie and say she wasn’t terrified right now. Because she was up for valedictorian and they were about to announce it. It was between her and some other preppy, bitchy girl she never met.

Saying that the past year has been an obstacle is an understatement. Next to school, her grades and applying to colleges, she and Bellamy were trying their best to make things work.

But it was hard. Because he was out in the world having college experiences that she had no idea about. And of course she trusted him with her life. She just didn’t trust other girls, because she knew her boyfriend was going to get hit on. 

That was the hardest part. To worry that communication would stop between them because he had met someone better, someone his own age. 

Yet, there he was, whooping and cheering along with Jake, Octavia, and Aurora when her name was called to accept her award. 

_ Don’t trip,  _ Clarke told herself. 

It wasn’t a long speech, quick and sweet. They all went out to dinner together, because Clarke had graduated high school. 

Bellamy drove Clarke home because Jake went over to Janes, which was clearly on purpose. 

Because it had been over three months since they had last seen each other. Clarke didn’t even know if he would make it today.

”Happy, right?” Clarke asked and Bellamy  nodded. 

“You?” He asked her and she nodded. 

Bellamy smashed his lips to Clarke’s before they even get out of the car. Once they’re in her room, making out, he smiles to himself, “Valedictorian, huh?” He asked her and Clarke chuckled. “Who’s the nerd now?” He asked her

“Shut up and kiss me, Bell,” Clarke said, and he did, pushing her down on the bed and started sliding her shirt off.

“We have the whole house to ourselves,” he stated the obvious. “When has that ever happened?”

“I don’t know, Bell,” Clarke moaned out as he started kissing her chest. 

“We can be as loud as we want. No one's gonna hear us,” Bellamy told her and Clarke chuckled. 

“Good.”

* * *

Bellamy sighed as he woke up, the sun shining through his bedroom window. He looked over and saw his wife peacefully sleeping.

They’d been married for a year and a half already, and so much had happened. 

Bellamy moved his hand to her seven month pregnant belly. He lowered himself and started whispering to his future son, like he did every morning.

”Happy,” he whispered to himself. 

Bellamy felt so lucky in these moments, because he and Clarke had had three miscarriages since they’d began dating, and now here they were.

The first one was about three years after they had started dating and Bellamy had visited Clarke in New York for four weeks during summer vacation before they both went home. 

It had happened so fast. They had slept together the first night they saw each other and it hadn’t taken Clark long to realize what had happened that night.

It was barely two weeks after and she told Bellamy she was pregnant. He was just finishing his third year of undergrad anthropology and she was finishing her second year of undergrad Art history and Art education.

They had gone to the doctor and she had confirmed it, which made it even scarier. They flew home and were there for the next month.

They told their family and friends and everyone was happy. 

They woke up one morning to sheets full of blood and Clarke was rushed to the hospital. Where they learned Clarke had miscarried their daughter. 

After that they went home and spent the rest of the summer in Bellamy’s North Carolina apartment. 

It was two weeks after Bellamy has graduated and he had started moving things into his moving van, which was set for New York, where he would live for the next three years while Clarke worked on graduating and while he furthered his education and got his masters in human interaction.

Clarke and Bellamy were living together during this time, and the first year, they had gotten pregnant. Clarke was almost done with college, and Bellamy had just started his path of getting his masters. 

Clarke was 23 and Bellamy was 25. They were okay, stable ish. This time, they had waited two months to tell everyone and they had flown out to surprise their parents and Octavia, who had still been living at home because her college was close enough.

They had only been there for a weekend. They had been staying at Auroras because Clarke thought her dad's was bad luck. It was just blind luck at this point.

Because Clarke found herself back in the same emergency room, Bellamy at her side, his eyes red and tear stained.

This time, they didn’t ask to know the gender. Because it would only make it hurt more.

So they went home. 

About a year later, Bellamy had proposed. He was 26 now and Clarke was 25. He was ready to start the next part of their life, and so was Clarke. Because she had graduated with an undergrad in The Arts while Bellamy had just snagged his masters for human interaction. 

Him and Clarke got married six months later and conceived on their honeymoon. They came home with crazy news for their family. They did everything right, and Clarke had carried to her sixth month. 

They started a nursery, which was themed pink for their baby girl, who was going to be named Aurora, after the grandma she wouldn’t meet. Aurora Abigail Blake, to be exact. 

This time, they had a burial. They flew home, which was where they had planned on moving after Aurora was born, because they were both promised jobs there. 

They stayed there, bought a house, shipped everything to their home and started their jobs. 

They lived like normal people, like a normal couple. 

Until Clarke got sick. Horribly sick. So sick she went to the hospital and was hospitalized for a week. They learned the minute they got there they were pregnant. 

Clarke and Bellamy almost said no. Almost said it was impossible because they had lost so many babies. But they had reached their seventh month mark, which was the farthest they had made it. 

They knew they were having a boy, and had started a nursery. It was finished in a week, because Bellamy and Clarke were determined to raise their son in this home.

They were going to raise Alexander Wells Blake in their home. Clarke would always say,  _ “Can you guess who picked Alexander? After the great?” _

He was born two weeks early, which scared the living crap out of Clarke, but he was fine, perfect even.

He grew up happy, and when he was three, Clarke and Bellamy found out they were pregnant again, with a girl.

Athena Grace Blake was born five days late, because she was always a trouble maker. 

Clarke and Bellamy raised their kids up right. Alexander was 5 and Athena was 2 when they learned of another baby. 

This time, they chose not to learn the gender. They wanted it to be a surprise. 

And, a month before her due date, Ruth Hera Blake was born. She was in the NICU for a few days, and was removed quickly because she was a warrior like her parents. 

* * *

Bellamy and Clarke woke up on Christmas morning to their three kids, Alexander, 10, Athena, 7, and Ruth, 5 came running into their room, jumping on their bed and telling them to get up because Santa came.

Bellamy laughed at Clarke as she rolled over to smile at him.

_ This was it. It was everything they both wanted with one other. _

_ Happiness. Love. Family. _

* * *

 

_ Dear diary, _

_ August 2035, _

_ Hi, it’s Clarke, here. I haven’t written to you in so long. I guess I’ve been busy. But I found this in my old room while cleaning up dads home.  _

_ He died. He’s gone. But he lived a happy life. And that’s what matters to me. _

_ I used you to help me fix me and my problems. But, I don’t really need you anymore. I haven’t needed you in a long time. _

_ I haven’t written or needed your help since I started dating Bellamy.  _

_ Huh. That’s interesting.  _ _ Guess he was what I needed all along.  _

_ Thanks for everything, dear diary, you have some pretty amazing stories inside of you.  _

“Mom!” Clarke heard her name being yelled from downstairs. ”Dinner!” The voice yelled.

Clarke smiled to herself. She grabbed the diary and brought it downstairs. 

Her kids had known the love story of Bellamy and Clarke. Long hard road of relationships, and secret feelings. But they didn’t know the whole story. 

Clarke couldn’t help but smiled lovingly at Bellamy as she read over her entire life in one single diary, or 13 chapters as it would’ve technically been. 

“Wow, who knew mom was so cool,” Alex said, earning a hit on his shoulder from Ruth. 

Bellamy presses a kiss to Clarke’s head and held her tightly. “Happy, right?” He asked her and she nodded, grasping to him tightly. 

“With you and our kids? Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little sad but a nice ending.   
> Kudos and comments are better than candy!   
> -Łįly

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? Let me know in the comments! Fetus Bellarke is my favorite!!
> 
> Comments and kudos are better than candy!  
> -Lily
> 
> P.S. if you liked this, go check out my other stories(under construction…Aduh) and I don’t really like the title name I gave this so if you have any ideas…?


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